New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

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New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Sirius on Fri Jul 02, 2010 6:04 pm

Sirius: Hello, and welcome to another snark by me, Sirius. Today we have a special treat, the Administator will be snarking this failfic with me.
Aisha: What, tryin' to replace me?
Sirius: No, but I'm working on a snark with Jon, might as well work with the Admin too, eh?
Aisha: Whatever...
Admin: And besides, I haven't done a snark in a while. Anyway, this time I have a co-snarker too. Ladies and Gentlemen... And by that I mean Ultima, I'd like you to meet Metal Man, from Mega Man 2.
Metal: I'm, uh, glad to be here? I mean, should I be, considering we'll be reading terrible things that put me and my brothers to shame?
Admin: Don't worry, Metal, Splash is a Lightbot. You've got no siblings in this fic... To my knowledge.
Sirius: More than likely there will be. Let's get this shit-storm over with, eh?
Metal: Do the honors...
Admin: You can just tell he's happy I dragged him into this.

"Please?" Roll asked Rock with a coy look on her face.
"Not again! We've already done it twice today!" he replied, totally exhausted. Roll put on her best puppy dog face, and then said again "Pretty please with sugar on top?"
"No! I'm too tiered. You've been running me ragged! I can't do it forever…."
"Pwetty pwease?"
Sirius: ...Please tell me this is just my perverted mind... Please?
Aisha: No, it's what you think...
Sirius: ...EW.
Metal: That really WAS a pathetic attempt at comedy.
Admin: It truly was.

"…..Fine. We'll go on the Whiplash again, but just once more! I'm almost out of money."
Admin: See?
Sirius: Ohhhh, okay. Awesome.
Aisha: Duh, what were you thinking about?
Sirius: ...Creepy, creepy things.
Admin: Don't worry, you'll get plenty of nightmares later. Just be glad there are no lemons...
Sirius: I have never been happier.
Aisha: That's an exaggeration...
Sirius: No, no it's quite true. Failfic lemons are not something I wanna see.
Ever since Rock had saved Roll from Wiley a few weeks prior, she had regretfully been out of a job and a home, forcing her to walk the streets as a robotic harlot.


Admin: Does it really surprise her, considering she's the ONLY female robot besides Roll that's been introduced to the classic series thus far?

Metal Man: She does give one hell of a ride, though...

Admin: Quiet, you horny bastard. Seriously, the fuck was Wily thinking, giving his robots the ability to..? Honestly, Light too! What the hell is wrong with them?!

Nothing. This is failfic. Failfic has no logic. Failfic has no reasoning. Failfic is fail. Now, if this was canon, then they'd be fucked up...

Metal: You strike a valid point, despite the thread of truth included... *smirks*

Admin: What did I just tell you? Don't make me use this Metal Blade I found on the ground!

Metal: Eep!

Sirius: So, yeah, Metal's gonna get pwnd by his own weapon, while me and the AI continue this story.

Aisha: *shakes head* Wilybots...

Admin: Bah, he'll be good. ...Won't you, Metal?

Metal: *gulp* Y-Yeah...

Sirius: Anyway, chapter two!

Admin: Joy.
Splash Women, having saved up enough cash from her job as a Harlot, bought a fishing pole and several Acme traps. A coyote who only talked through signs had given her a very good deal. Currently, she was standing behind a rack of clothes in a department store, while Rock was looking through a row of diamond rings.


Admin: Splash Woman – The child in all of us. No wait, just an OOC'd-to-be-a-dumbass Wilybot.

Sirius: …

Aisha: ... *sigh* Really?

Sirius: Y'know, I thought there was only one Splash Woman, not several Splash WOMEN.

Aisha: So, what's Splash going after, Roadrunners? 'Cause that sure won't do much to Mega...

Admin: Are we watching a Looney Tunes short or reading a fanfiction?

"Oh yes yes yes! Oh Rock!" Roll screamed in excitement as she took off her dress, reveling her white panties and bra. She quickly latched onto Rock and began to take off his pants.
"Hey, Sis, what are you doing!" Rock sputtered.
With childish glee, Roll yelled "Celebrating!"

Admin: Luckily this is as close to a lemon as it gets, huh? Robo-Incest: It's okay, because... Well... You try coming up with reasons, it's just not okay!

Sirius: Robo-incest: Because people are sick fucks.

Admin: Better.

Sirius: At any rate, she just took off her dress, and started to take off Rock's pants? IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARK? And... Everyone's okay with this...?

Aisha: To quote you, 'This is failfic. Failfic has no-'

Sirius: Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Metal Man: Yeah, I'm perfectly:

Admin: Do you WANT to be obliterated in one hit with your own weapon?

Metal Man: ...I'll shut up now.

Admin: Swear to God, WilyBots...

Aisha: The only competent ones are Bass and Zero...

Sirius: True dat.

Metal Man: And Hard Man. Heh... Hard-

Admin: Do I really need to remind you again? *sigh* Sometimes I'm too patient... Anyway. Chapter 3?

Sirius: Chapter three.

Splash Women knew this time that she was tiered of playing around. She set up a hole outside of LightLabs, and covered it with leaves. She laid waiting nearby to pull the rope that would trigger an anvil above to fall on whoever was unlucky enough to fall in the hole.
She waited all day, when at last she heard the door open. There was a scream, followed by a *SMACK* sound, signifying someone had fell in. Splashy pulled the rope, and *DONG* the anvil came crashing down. Unfortunately, much to Splashy's disappointment, she found that it was Dr. Light, not Rock nor Roll that had fallen victim to her trap. She cursed, but in her anger, she stumbled and fell in as well, hitting the anvil head first. She and Dr. Light both gave a loud moan, and Splash Women retreated back to the streets to formulate her next plan.

Sirius: ...
Aisha: *shakes head* Wilybots...


Later that evening, Splashy hid in a bush in a large field. She had over heard Rock tell the recovering Dr. Light that he was going to pick flowers for Roll there, so she went ahead of him and replaced the roses with robotic ones that would activate a time delayed explosion when picked. She snickered when she saw Rock coming.

Admin: What could possibly go wrong?!


Rock walked over to the Garden Of Fiery Death™ where Splashy awaited. "These roses look great!" Rock said. He picked one, starting the ten second countdown.


Admin: Trade Mark, 'Retarded Ideas for Humor, Inc.' Copyright 20XX, all rights reserved.

Sirius: Only a Wilybot would come up with an idea this stupid. If you want to kill Rock, just have the flowers explode immediately after being picked, what is wrong with this plan?

Aisha: Given that it has to involve flowers, nothing.

Sirius: Exactly.

Admin: Or maybe, you know, put one of those god-damned fake 1-up Mets. Those get him every time.

Sirius: True.

Metal: And that will kill him from one hit, how exactly?

Admin: Fuck off.

Sirius: Or, even better, send a bee after him. Even X had succumbed to the bee's might. (Cookie for anyone who get's the reference.)

Admin: Mega fell to a bee once. Well, I mean, hornet.

Metal: Oh-ho-hoh, don't let Hornet hear you call him a bee. He'll fuck you up.

1.…
"FU-"
*BOOM*
Rock paid no attention to the explosion behind him, and instead simply walked home with a Lilly to present to his sister. Splashy slithered away unnoticed, covered in soot. "I-I-I'll get you….someday…" she said before fainting and coldly hitting the ground.


Admin: What’s that?! Someone’s in trouble?! Ah, I’m sure someone else will handle it…

Sirius: And THAT is our hero, folks. (Or, namely, Ultima...) 'Hm? Someone was caught in an explosion? Bah, whatever, I need to go and try to get lucky with my sister!' Ugh...

Metal: Makes me wonder if the author actually put any thought into the characters...

Admin: C'mon now, say it with me, Wolfy:

Admin: THIS IS BADFIC. BADFIC CONTAINS NO LOGIC.

Sirius: Aisha, how many times have we said that now?

Aisha: Three times and counting.

Sirius: And Metal STILL doesn't get it.

Aisha: He's a Wilybot.

Sirius: ...That's not Bass or Zero.

Aisha: Yup. So, he's programmed to be incompetent.

Metal: Hey! I take offense in that!

Admin: Do you? Do you really?

Metal: ...No...

Sirius: Good, now let’s continue.
Admin: Chapter four... It's a short one, thank God- OHSHIT. I MAY have lied when I said there was no lemon, Wolfy...

"Of course, I love them!" Roll yelled as she grabbed the lilies out of Rock's hand. Rock had just presented them to her in the living room while Dr. Light was at the hospital, recovering from his run in with a anvil. "Good, er, I mean, I'm glad you like them." Rock said. Suddenly, Roll grabbed Rock's jeans and ripped them off. "Hey!" he yelled. "What are you doing!" She didn't hear him, and she went straight down on his dick and began sucking.


Sirius: ...

Aisha: ...

Sirius: God. Damnit...

Metal: Ugh..!

Admin: Hey, you're the pervert out of us.

Aisha: YAY, someone who's more perverted then Sirius!
Sirius: Shut up.
Admin: I thought you might get a kick out of it, Metal...


Metal: But it's a badfic! I don't want a lemon from a badfic.

Admin: Hm. Maybe you CAN teach a mentally challenged dog new tricks.

Metal: Yea-Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

Sirius: Say it with me, ,ma'am.

Both: FAIL.

Meanwhile, outside, Splash Women watched from the window.


Admin: So we can add 'voyeur' to the list of wrongdoings by Splash so far... There's more we could do to this but I think I speak for all of us when I say it's best we move on...

Both: Agreed.

Admin: So apparently the entire Capcom side of Marvel Vs. Capcom are close friends of Mega... That's like a marine saying the entire marine corps are his best pals.

Sirius: Yup.
Of Roll's other friends, there was also a team of Japanese super hero's called the Gatacmen, and a rather loudmouthed American named Joe.


Admin: A loudmouthed American named Joe? I think they're probably referring to Viewtiful Joe.
Sirius: But of course.


"Hi, I'm Rock Volnutt.


Admin: OH GOD NO KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Metal: For those who don't know, Volnutt is the star of the So-Bad-It's-Horrible N64 game, MegaMan Legends.

Sirius: To quote Matt from Epic Battle Fantasy 2, 'Kill it! Kill it with FIRE and AIDS!'


In the kitchen, Splashy had knocked out all the chefs. "Hahaha! With a little help from that Koopa chef, this will be one cake that Rock and Roll will never forgot! HAHAHAHAHA-wait, Rock and Roll? Wow, I just got that. Anyway, HAHAHAHAHAHA!"


Sirius: ...I think Splash is mentally handicapped...

Aisha: I don't think, I know. She went to ACME for traps. She's not right in the head.

Sirius: Well, neither am I...

Aisha: But you are tolerable.

Sirius: Oh, stop it, I'm blushing…

Admin: And wait... What are Nintendo characters, no matter how small the cameo, doing in the Capcom universe?

Metal: Best case scenario it's a nod to the fact that Nintendo was where Mega Man started, but I don't really think the author has the brain-power to establish that connection...

Sirius: I assure you, the author does not.
Splash Women burst out the top, wearing nothing but whip cream, which barely covered her nipples.


Admin: And here I thought she was ashamed of being a harlot.

Sirius: Failfic, Admin, failfic.

Aisha: Consistancy? What's THAT? Never heard of it.

"What do we do!" Rock yelled to Rock Volnutt, but he did not receive an answer, as the other Rock was blown away by Splashy's trident. Then, Splashy aimed her trident at Roll, scoring a direct hit.
"Roll!" Rock yelled as he rant to her side.

Admin: So Roll is Knocked-The-Fuck-Out but Mega is fine and able to get up and run to her side?

Admin: Yeah, I know, failfic. Don't bother pointing it out again.

Sirius: Admin, didn't you read it? He didn't run to her side, he 'rant' to her side. Get it right.


Admin:Oh, sorry. I'd be ranting too if I was aware I was in a badfic of this caliber.

Sirius: He has every right. He also has the right to rant about how fangirls (and some fanboys...) pair him with Proto or Bass all the time.

Admin: And how there are less than fifteen fics involving the Robot Masters...

Metal: And how, like, three RMs (Not including me!) have their own sections on Fanfiction.net. I'll never forgive you for that, Quick!
…...After everyone had left, Splashy awoke on the ground, with tears down her eyes. "Goddamn it! Why can't anything go my way!" Then, Blues walked out of the shadows and grabbed Splashy's hand. " I know a diner not far from here. Lets get you cleaned up, and then mabey go for some coffe?"
"I…I'd like that…."

Admin: Oh, Jesus Christ... Why, Protoman? Why? You were the ONE good character exempt from this mess, and then... *shoots self in head*

Metal: God dammit! He almost made it too.

Sirius: *throws a Phoenix Down to Admin* Oh, no you don't.

Admin: That was the end.

Metal: Thank God.

Sirius: So, yeah, this story sucked ass... Any other comments about it, anyone?

Aisha: You put it a little lightly...

Sirius: Maybe.

Metal: I'm glad I'm not a Lightbot for once...

Admin: I'd have preffered to stay dead. Oh, look, Wolfy! There's a prequel to it, called "New Mission: Screw!" What fun that'll be!

Sirius: ...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU-

...TO BE CONTINUED...
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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by The Administrator on Sat Jul 03, 2010 1:19 pm

Posting to subscribe because I'm, you know, the co-snarker.
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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Godmodder Studios on Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:46 pm

Wow, that's pretty bad.
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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Shadowborg on Sat Jul 03, 2010 4:41 pm

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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Godmodder Studios on Sat Jul 03, 2010 4:47 pm

That's awfully humble of you to make an account here just for that. We appreciate a writer who can take this kind of abuse.
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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Shadowborg on Sat Jul 03, 2010 4:50 pm

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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Sirius on Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:03 pm

Well, in that case, I shall review your other fics as well. I will try to be nicer. I was in a bad mood from another fic I reviewed with Godmodder Studios there, so I may have been unfair.
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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by Shadowborg on Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:10 pm

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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

Post by The Administrator on Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:53 pm

I'm glad you weren't awfully offended by it.
If you like Sonic, feel free to participate in the various other activities we've got around the site.
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Re: New Mission: Marry!, a dual-snarked failfic

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