I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

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I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Shadouge1000 on Sun Jan 02, 2011 7:08 pm

(Heads Up: Some characters include: Shadow, Rouge, Eggman(Dr.), Sonic, Amy, Cream& Cheese, and Tails "Miles". Enjoy and after you read, you may take a nap! XD)
Silverlake the Cat’s View
I never thought I’d see her this way. The way she hangs in my arms. She’s not breathing. I lay her to the ground. I watch as her feet twitch and her eyes suddenly flicker open. I quickly flash away. I leap into a tree. And I watch her silently in the shadows. My cape hangs down from a branch. My dark, black clothes blend in with the darkness. I ignore my surroundings and watch her.
She slowly sits up. She rubs the back of her head. Her pure green emerald eyes filled with sadness and confusion. I knew what she was asking and I knew the answers. I always have. I keep watching the tan-brown she-cat-human. She flicked her bushy, long tail on the ground. She crossed her legs and pushing on the ground in between her legs. She pressed on the ground and stood up. She shook her head and fixed her shirt. Re-tied it, brushed grass off her shorts, found her sunglasses on the shore of the rushing river and walked off. I thought and thought.
Why didn’t she want to know who saved her life? She almost drowned in that stupid river. How disgraceful of her. I shall find her and get her thankfulness, I thought bitterly. I couldn’t believe this. I leaped to a different tree and kept the pace. I found the girl I’ve was looking for. I leaped out in front of her.
She acted surprised.
“Excuse me, but I believe I was the one who saved you,” I said calmly. My face hiding under my hood.
“Uh, excuse me?” she snapped, putting her paws on her hips. Her green eyes were glaring. It was like fire blazing towards me. I felt the hotness of the fire. I couldn’t speak. My throat was dry and I had no words to answer that. My ears pounded with blood running through my veins. My cheek rose hotter. I thought and thought then she interrupted me again. “Alright, let’s just skip to, who are you?”
“Silverlake,” I could answer that. So easy, but I lost myself in front of her. How could I? I continued to look at her, arms crossed. Then uncrossed them, handing out one paw. “Who are you then?”
“Spiritwater the Cat, proud to be. Mossriver’s friend,” she answered, winking. She pointed to the sky. “There’s my ride!” There was a hovering air board with a cream-colored cat on top. I didn’t make out the cat or who she was. Maybe someone I knew well. Strangely well.
“Come on Spiritwater!” the cat called. There was icy blue glaring down at me. Who was she? Mossriver sounded familiar. Nevertheless, I can’t make it out. I must know who Mossriver is. After I’ve worked, I will find out who my partner truly is! Then I shall know to destroy Spiritwater and her friend or not. It was all Dr.’s decisions. I’ll find out, eventually…
Spiritwater the Cat’s View
What a complete retard, I thought to myself. I leaped up to Mossriver’s air board and we boarded off. I sat on her air board as my friend drove off. I couldn’t believe myself. How could I let someone do something like that? I sighed as we rode off.
Mossriver dropped me off at our HQ (head quarters). I nodded my head and jumped off her air board. I always wondered where she went everyday. I looked up at her to her icy blue eyes. Her eyes always had a sparkle until she got fighting with Eggman. They always went dull. She refused to fight. She would lead me and someone else into danger. Who was this someone else?
“I must go, Spiritwater,” she said once more. She looked down upon me as if she kept a secret. “Promise me one thing though. A new promise to keep and you must keep your word, as always.”
I sighed. “What is it now?”
“I need you to find Shadow the Hedgehog and his friend, Rouge the Bat,” Mossriver asked from me. “Well, they’re not friends, partners. They have information I need for…” she paused.
“Who?”
“My…my master,” she looked away. Then without another word, she boarded off. I watched her go. I sighed and went into the lower part of the building of HQ. I saw the crew was there. Mossriver was leader of Team Gold. I was deputy. Second in command as you would say it. I sat beside Bobby the Hedgehog on the couch. They were watching some T.V. show.
Then, Lilystem came out from her room with some papers. Her hips swung back and forth, like Mossriver does. I watched her as her eyes grew bloody murder. I felt sadness and brightness in the room. I saw Nicky the Bat’s eyes light up, while Austin the Hedgebat went dull. I felt mine feeling curious. Bobby caught my eyes.
“You’re curious about this aren’t you?” he asked.
I nodded. “I wonder if…”
Calvin the Hedgehog interrupted me, “Mossriver has to do with it. We know, we know. While Ryan and Postie are out hunting for Eggman, we got other problems.”
“Like what?” Nicky butted in.
Calvin continued with his conversation with the Team. “Shadow the Hedgehog and Rouge the Bat are in town. And well, they’re lookin’ for us.” The white hedgehog with lime-green spikes grinned a sly smile. Raindrop or Lizzie came in from the doorway. She panted.
“They’re here!” she called. “Shadow and…Rouge! They said they want Mossriver now!”
I stood up from sitting. Lilystem looked up from her papers. She smiled. She let out a short breath of gratitude.
“Well then, use your manners, Raindrop, and let them in,” she said softly.
“What are you doin’?” Calvin snapped, getting up. He hated Shadow the Hedgehog, especially this time of year. Christmas was coming soon. It was end of November and coming to December 1. I looked out the window and saw the first snow. I sighed. Loudvoice, or Austin D., would go out there soon and shovel. I laughed at the thought of the little cat fighting the snow with a shovel. Why can’t he see that Macie would do better?
“Go along with it, Calvin,” Lilystem whispered as Raindrop reached for the door and let the two others in. Shadow the Hedgehog and Rouge the Bat. So many stories, so little time. I walked up to them, holding out my hand.
They ignored it. Shadow came to Calvin. Calvin stood up from sitting on the floor, looking for a fight. The two Hedgehogs known each other, that’s for sure. Fighting over the same girl, Mossriver. I sighed, shaking my head. Rouge watched. She came up to me.
“Honey, do you know where Mossriver is?” she asked politely. I shook my head.
“I’m Second in Command. What do you need?” I told her.
“Well, it’s for Mossriver, but we were going to tell her information about someone,” she then said.
Here was my chance to see what my friend was up to! I took it. “Who?”
“You know who, darling. The guy who saved your life,” Rouge said. “He’s been robbing me ever since I’ve known him. I work for the government and I need him out. So be a dear, and let Mossriver know, we found him.”
“Who? Silverlake?” I questioned. Shadow came up. He stopped glaring with Calvin and answered it for Rouge.
His voice was sharp and deep. “Of course, you dimwit. We need him!”
“I…I didn’t…know,” I stumbled as the black hedgehog stepped up face-face with me. “I’m sorry; we’ve wasted your time. Please, leave.” I pointed to the door, looking down.
Lilystem stopped them. “Wait, I can show you were Mossriver is. I knew where she works. She told me.”
I stared at her in disbelief. Why couldn’t she tell the Team this? Lilystem lead the two out. I watched them go. I watched Calvin go to his room, slamming the door. Then Nicky and Raindrop chatting on the floor about the next plans of attack for another rival, Silver the Hedgehog. Then Bobby and Nate (Wolfhowl) sat on the couch. I sat down next them, wondering what could become of our Team if their leader never returned.
Mossriver the Cat’s View
No, it cannot be! I stared at the master’s HQ. Sonic had done it again! Destroying my master’s HQ. I shall kill him if it is the last thing I do! I glared my icy blue eyes at the destruction. Wait, if this is Sonic’s job, where was my master? I boarded closer to the HQ. If my master is here, he will make me clean it up. I sighed as I boarded towards the messed-up place.
“Sonic!!!” hollered my master. I leaped off my air board and sprinted to my master. I came to a hill and saw the two. Sonic bouncing around and my master shooting at him with lasers. I stopped running and walked with hips swaying and a sly look on my face. I made sure my shirt was tied up in a knot and my shorts were short. I walked towards the two. Sonic stopped so did my master.
“Hello Master, hey Sonic,” I mewed softly.
“Mossriver, where have you been?” Master demanded.
“Out with some friends. You know, defeating the ‘good’,” I answered, glancing towards Sonic. The blue hedgehog’s emerald green eyes in interest. My plan was working. I went up to my master and whispered, “I’m planning Sonic’s capture for you. So, play along.”
My master nodded and smirked a smile. “Alright then, why don’t you go inside and take a rest. Sonic, go with her. She may need help.” I nodded to Sonic and he followed. I swayed my hips for him. I felt his stare on them. My eyes glanced back, my icy blue eyes twinkled. His emerald green eyes stared back.
Rooms were coming closer down the halls. HQ wasn’t completely destroyed. My room. This is my room. I grabbed on the handle, turned it, and opened it. It was the same: bed, kitchen, bathroom, etc. I went into the kitchen, poured some coffee into two mugs, and handed one to Sonic. I held one in my grasp with my whole paw including my fingers. It was warm, but not with gloves on. I blew in it and took a sip. I sat down on my couch. I nodded to Sonic while putting my mug on the table by the couch. Sonic sat down and set his mug by mine.
“You think we’ll mess them up?” he asked stupidly.
I shook my head, letting my hair flew around me. My bangs covered my right eyes and my left eyes sparkled to Sonic’s. He stared back. Love. Well, what he thought. Maybe what I thought. I leaned forward, as well as Sonic. We leaned so close; I felt my breath on him or his breath on me. I didn’t know who was breathing harder. Maybe we were both breathing so hard we didn’t care or know who was. I felt his hand go behind my back and pulled me closer.
We leaned closer, lips touching lips, and then…a knock ruined it. I quickly got up and got the door. Shadow and Rouge were standing at my door. I shook my head, liping, “Not now…” I slammed the door and turned back to Sonic. I fingered him into my room.
“Follow me, blue hedgehog,” I whispered. He got up and followed. I went into my room, him following. He closed the door and I climbed on my bed. I hit the bed with my paw and my eyes told Sonic to come on. He did. He leaned closer, making me lean backward towards the back of my bed.
“Can you keep a secret?” I asked in a whisper.
“What?” he nodded his head, leaning farther in. His eyes dazed into mine.
I pushed him away gently, back to my trap. He flew up in the air into a net I had made for several hours or days. Either, I don’t care. I hopped off my bed and put my paws on my hips. I sneered a sly smile.
“Thought you would see my body? You guessed wrong, Sonic. I am not the girl you think I am. I work for Eggman and only Eggman. I lied to my Team about my job. I steal for Rouge and Shadow. And Shadow…well,” I smirked.
“Loves you?” Sonic struggled in the net.
I shook my head. “He’s my...ex-boyfriend…” I turned away and snapped my fingers. Eggman came bursting through my door. He snapped the net into his hands and walked off, pleased. I didn’t watch them go. Tears started rolling down my cheek. I can’t bare this any longer! I sped up the wall, breaking through the ceiling. I flew up into the sky. My air board speeding towards me. I flipped three times and landed on my air board at sonic speed. I laughed to myself and continued boarding.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Later*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I came across my HQ of Team Gold. I hopped off my air board and it went back into the garage. I went inside the building. The door came to my face like lightning. I sighed, twisted the knob, and came in. My Team stared at me. I looked down at my black boots (with heels). I shook my head with my light brown hair wrapping around my face. My icy blue eyes came over to Calvin. He looked at me with plead.
“Where were you?” Lilystem’s voice spoke up. The brown she-cat was coming out of her room into the Main Room. I ignored her question and walked into the kitchen. I poured some lemonade into a glass and put the glass that held the drink back into the fridge. Lilystem and Spiritwater came strolling in.
“Seriously, where were you?” Spiritwater asked.
“No place you want to be.” I didn’t look at my friends/teammates. “Sides, you don’t want to get into trouble with anyone. Especially Shadow and Rouge.”
“What about Shadow and Rouge?” Calvin came in after the two girls. His amber eyes glaring at the name of “Shadow”. I knew the two of them hated each other, but it would never be friendship or even teammate ship.
“Nothing,” I snapped. I turned away from the three. “Why do you guys care so much about me?”
“’Cause you are our leader,” Lilystem said gently. She tried placing her paw on my shoulder, but I shrugged it away. The three stared at my back for a long time. I gave in.
“Alright, you want to know where I’ve been?” I turned to face them.
The three nodded. Lilystem then mewed, “I already know. But these two and the rest of the Team need to know.” I remembered I told Lilystem where I’ve been. She knew the first day I worked for Eggman and Shadow.
I sighed and walked into the Main Room. Every Teammate was there. Calvin and Spiritwater joined the crowd. Even Damion the Squirrel and Justin the Hedgehog were there. I looked at my strong team. They would be angry with what I put myself into; only I did it to protect them.
“I must tell you, my team, I work for Eggman,” I started and waited for their reactions…
Silverlake the Cat’s View
I ran through the city at sonic speed, following a pink hedgehog. My dark hood was up and my eyes gleaming. I chased the pink hedgehog everywhere, keeping up with her. I snarled at her. Knowing that she would use a trick at anytime, I dodged he hammer attacks. I boomed up in the air, came down with speed, and kicked the back of her neck. She fell into the ground with a big THUD! I sneered a smile. My master will be pleased. I picked him up then ran to my master’s HQ. I knew this pink hedgehog’s name. It was Amy. Amy Rose. Sonic’s girlfriend.
“My master will be pleased to see such a fine lady,” I snarled as I ran to the master’s HQ. The pink hedgehog was still sleeping, barely awake. Her emerald green eyes barely visible. I smiled slyly to her. Sonic will see her and be happy.
As I neared HQ, I saw Shadow and Rouge waiting. I slowed my pace.
“Honey, what took you so long?” Rouge asked with a sneer.
“I couldn’t find her at first, Rouge. Leave me be,” I snapped and walked past the two. I lashed my tail at Rouge. She dodged it and gripped onto it. I yowled in pain. I whipped around, kicking her back, watching her let go. I sped away to my master’s HQ Room.
“Hello, Silverlake,” my master’s voice boomed through the room.
“I have brought Amy Rose,” I said. I walked into the Room more and saw Sonic trying to get out of a plastic window. He banged and banged at the door.
“Sonic proof, you like?” my master asked. I nodded and laid Amy Rose in front of him. Sonic scream “No” in the plastic. I could barely hear his voice. I only made out the words “Amy!”, “No!”, and/or “Run!”.
“Where shall I put her?” I questioned. My master beckoned me away. “Shall I find your other apprentice?”
My master nodded. “Yes, then bring her back here. We need help catching Knuckles and Cream with Cheese.” I nodded and ran off. I sprinted past Shadow and Rouge. They stopped me by calling my name. I skidded to a stop.
“What?” I snapped the question.
“I found Knuckles over near the Master Chaos Emerald on Echo Island,” Rouge informed me.
I nodded. “Yes, I was headed there.”
“Cream & Cheese along with Tails were spotted by the Beach at noon. They might be still there,” Shadow explained. “You know kids.”
I nodded to the two of them. “Thank you. Wish you well, and I saw a Jewelry Store down the street from Team Gold’s HQ. It’s new and just finished. I saw a chaos emerald of some sort in there. Go check it out. It might be important to us and Master Eggman.” Then I ran off to Team Gold’s HQ. I found the window and kneeled by it.
“Guys, I’m sorry!” Mossriver’s voice pleaded over the complaints. I widened my eyes to see the whole Team there! There! I saw them. Calvin and Bobby with Nikki and Aaron. Wow, everyone I chased for many years were here in this spot. Mossriver being their leader and planning everything to stop us. I snarled a smile. Everyone here would be captured and brought to my master. But, wait! There are too many. I must find another way to defeat them. But the question is: How?
“Traitor!” Nikki spoke up. Her tail wrapped around her. She was a flying squirrel, so her long, bushy tail was longer than she was. Her wings under her arms. Her green eyes in the glaring. Her nickname was Spiritvoice. It fit her well.
“Spiritvoice! Bobby! Calvin! Shush!” Lilystem snapped over the loud voices. “Let Mossriver explain all of this.”
“Alright, is it all Shadow?” Calvin asked in a snarl.
“No!” Lilystem answered for her leader. “It’s something about us. For us. Mossriver did it to save our lives!”
Silence was stirring across the room. So, Mossriver, leader of Team Gold, was the other apprentice of Eggman. No wonder she looked too familiar to me.
“Eggman captured me one night and Lilystem finally found me. I was tapped and roped down. I was in need. My Team was in danger. Lilystem betrayed me so Eggman could let me go. Eggman offered me something.
“He said, ‘Mossriver, I’ll let you go if you work for me.’ I did as he asked me to do. He also threatened to destroy all of you in one single button if I didn’t work for him. I kept this a secret so you guys wouldn’t get hurt. So, I decided to tell you guys and Eggman knows. I had to call him Master the rest of the years I worked for him. That is why I had t work for Eggman.” Mossriver looked down at her feet. Her tail whooshed around her. My story was very different from hers. Could I, almost have the same relation to her? I followed her around as she walked around the room. She came to Calvin.
Mossriver sat down next to him. “Patrols go!” Everyone left, except for the ones who weren’t one patrol. They went into their rooms. My eyes watched as Mossriver laid a paw on Calvin’s cheek. “Pineneedle, you know I love you. Shadow is not in my life any longer. You’re the one I want.” So, that was his nickname. I kept watching.
He laid his hand on her paw. He looked deep into her eyes. This is what I wanted for Spiritwater. To love her as she loved me. I wanted her as much as Pineneedle wanted Mossriver. “Mossriver, I love you too. Will…we be together forever?” He took out a ring in a small box.
Mossriver got up and gave out her paw. “We need to talk about something.” They left the HQ and went for a walk. That was it! I need to tell Spiritwater how much I want her. I headed off. I sprinted to the Beach to find Tails and Cream with Cheese.
“Tails! Come on! Cheese and I wanna play in the water!” Cream’s voice called.
“No thank you, Cream! I’m too full!” Tails answered.
“Chao!” Cheese purred. I saw the blue chao and Cream the Rabbit in the water. Tails the two-tailed fox was sitting on the beach with his hand over his full stomach. I leaped into action with a net that was fox, rabbit, and chao proof. I snatched up the three and sprinted to Echo Island for the next victim…
Spiritwater the Cat’s View
I ran with my patrol. The people in the patrol were: Bobby, Spiritvoice, Jaysong (Hayden), and Hunter H. They ran all with me. Spiritvoice saw something strange running towards us. The guy saved me! I stopped. The rest of the patrol did the same thing as I did. I watched the guy who came up to me in walk form.
“What are you doing here?” I snarled.
“Me? I’m on a mission to look for someone,” he answered.
“Who?” Jaysong spoke up. Her green eyes lighting up. I turned sharply and threw a blade at her to shush. She dodged it and watched it fly past her. I sighed then caught the bouncing blade back. It came back to me in a second then I put it back into my pocket.
“I’m looking for your leader, Mossriver,” Silverlake meowed, bowing his head.
“I’m sorry, but she’s going for a walk with Pineneedle out in the…never mind,” I quickly stated.
He looked at me strangely. He smirked; closing his eyes then looked back up. He held out a paw. “Come with me then.” I took his paw. The Patrol looked at me then ran off to where we were headed. While I, walked with Silverlake. We walked to the rooftops of the city and sat there. He and I watched the sunset. I kept staring at his beautiful silver-gray face. I also had gray pelt but it sparkled as Silverlake’s eyes did.
“So, what did you want?” I asked him. I searched his eyes, but he didn’t turn to face me. He looked between his feet then reached into a pocket. He pulled something out. A little box or something. Well, cardboard box. He gave it to me. I took it from Silverlake. I ripped the tape cut with my nail and pulled something out. “What? What is this?” I pulled out a small necklace and attached to it, a small ring. I slid the ring off and looked at the small diamond inside.
“Something I thought you would like,” Silverlake answered, looking at me.
“What’s the ring about?” He laid a finger on my lips and leaned closer. He shook his head. He leaned closer, pulling his finger away from my lips, and then it happened. The kiss I’ve been waiting for all my life. He and I had both closed our eyes and kissed. We got so close; I thought I heard my heart and his heart pounding against each other. Our souls united into one.
We pulled away, staring at each other. I smiled small to him. He smiled back. I understood now. He wanted me to be with him forever. Could I accept it? I decided to. I opened my mouth but no words came out. Silverlake smiled even more.
“You decided yes, didn’t you?” he asked.
I nodded. Silverlake stood up. He held out a paw to me. I took it and he lifted me up. I tripped and landed in his arms. He held me close then whispered in my ear four soft words, “I love you, Spiritwater.” Then once again, we kissed. He swooped off. “I’ll tell my master I’m quitting my job, for you, my love.” I watched him go with a heavy heart. I loved him. I don’t know how or why, but I did. I held the ring tightly in my grasp and watched the night come. I put the ring on my finger and leaped down off the buildings and to HQ.
I saw everyone was resting and eating. Mossriver was in the kitchen, humming. I heard Pineneedle in there with her. Then I heard her playfully say, “Stop! Pineneedle!”
I came into the kitchen, seeing Pineneedle kissing then nipping Mossriver’s neck as she cooked more supper for the Patrol that was still coming. I watched in silence. Pineneedle finally licked her neck then went up to her cheek then kissed once again. Mossriver turned and kissed him on the lips by surprise.
I sighed then turned away. Mossriver noticed me and smiled.
“You hungry?” She asked. I turned to face her. I saw a ring on her finger and hid mine. I nodded slowly. “I made some soup with grilled cheese. If you don’t any, there’s spaghetti and some other things out too. Sandwich makings are already out.”
I nodded to her and Pineneedle. As I went to the table with all the food out, Pineneedle went back to rubbing Mossriver’s neck. Mossriver groaned and laid her head back on Pineneedle’s chest.
“That feels good, babe,” Mossriver moaned softly.
“I’ll keep it soft baby,” Pineneedle whispered back. I finished getting my food and walked out.
As I did, Spiritvoice saw the sparkle on my finger from the ring. She stood up and walked over to me.
“Who’s the lucky guy?” she asked so everyone could hear.
Oh boy, I thought….
Mossriver the Cat’s View
“Keep it up,” I whispered to my fiancé. I moaned as he kept rubbing my neck. He then lowered his hands to my waist then to my hips. He pulled me closer to him and we held each other. I heard Spiritvoice ask Spiritwater a question in the Main Room. Pineneedle followed me into the Main Room.
“So who’s the lucky guy, Spiritwater?” Spiritvoice asked again.
Spiritwater heisted. “No one you know.”
“Is it that guy we saw, and he took you away?” Jaysong asked, raising a paw.
“How did you know?” Spiritwater snapped, staking as she was going to fight. Pineneedle grabbed my hips again and pulled me to him, closer than before. I laid a paw on his cheek and he laid his head on it. I felt as if he closed his eyes to the warmth of my touch. I closed mine then reopened them.
“Spiritwater, what are you talking about?” I butted in.
My friend showed me the ring on her finger. That was forbidden! Everyone knows that if the Team does not know the husband-to-be or wife-to-be than the Teammate who is getting married must be banished! I sighed. “Do we know this person?”
Spiritwater nodded small. “I think you do, Mossriver.”
“Who? It can’t be…” I started laughing. Nevertheless, my friend nodded. I shook my head. “No, you cannot marry him! You either will divorce him or be banished from the Team! What is your choice?” I got out of Pineneedle’s arms to my friend’s face. She stared back blankly. Pineneedle blinked then sighed.
“Well, let’s have a Meeting, Mossriver. Before we decide anything yet. Sides, the rest of us don’t know Silverlake,” Pineneedle explained.
“Exactly!” I agreed.
“But, you know him so why can’t the rest of us know him?” Pineneedle finished. He continued, “Spiritwater will invite him here then we decide whether to let Spiritwater marry him or not. Mossriver, you let me ask you. Give your friend a chance all right?”
I nodded briefly. “Fine, all right. Team Gold, let’s wait until morning until we find Silverlake.” Spiritwater looked at me hopefully. I pointed my finger to the door. “Find him now; come back when you find him.”
Spiritwater ran out the door. I watched her as she gladly left the HQ. Pineneedle held me and swept me into his arms. I kissed him on the cheek. He walked me to the Meeting Room down the hall. The Team followed, some were already in there. A poster hung over the whiteboard.
Pineneedle put me down. I walked to the whiteboard, a long walk, and took down the poster. I took a marker and drew our HQ and Eggman’s HQ. The whole Team, except for Spiritwater, watched me. I kept drawing then stopped once finished.
“Alright, this is our HQ and this is Eggman’s,” I explained, pointing to the drawings.
Jaysong raised her paw. “Does this mean we’re going to attack?”
“I don’t know, yet, Jaysong,” I answered. I turned to the others. Some stayed quiet, staring at the board; while others looked down and drew circles on the table with their fingers. Jaysong kept raising her paw.
“Mossriver!” she called once more. I pointed to her. “What if we all decided to attack Silverlake when Spiritwater isn’t here or not looking? We can capture him and make him say what Eggman is up to.”
I thought for a moment as most of the Team nodded their heads. I soon decided. We would. “Alright, Team Gold. Here’s what we shall do…”

(That's what I have so far. Please help me find a title and I know, lots of reading. It took me a couple of weeks to get this far alright? People at my school think I'm a really awesome writer, I hope you feel the same way. Thanks for reading! Oh, you can take that nap now. XD)
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Shadouge1000

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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Echo~the~Hedgehog on Tue Jan 18, 2011 7:00 pm

Well Shadouge1000, I am going to call you Lily. The reason why I'm going to call you Lily is because your name is too ambiguous and generic for my taste. =/

Well I've been writing for 3 years now. I've hewn my skill out of solid rock by sheer practise and not out of god-given talent. Speaking as someone with 3 years experience and the knowledge of skilled reviews, I am going to help you.

The first thing you need to know is that you are a good writer. No matter how bad you may feel about yourself sometimes there are always worse writers and some of them get published.

The second thing you need to know as a young writer is that publishers are whores. They publish whatever they think will sell to people and only what will make them the most money. A lot of good stuff goes unpublished. And a lot of crap gets published. So don't let anyone, including yourself brag about publishing.

The third thing you need to know right now is that no matter how many flaws get pointed out in your writing and how far you have to climb that there is always a reason to keep going. Quitting is the fastest way to become a crappy writer. It's even faster than plagerizing.

Now as a writer of 3 years experience I see a few things you need to work on. But my critiques have been called "The work of the devil" and "Nazi-ish". I only feel it fair to warn you that I point out every flaw and tell you how to correct it. And it may sting your pride. But it will help you improve in ways you don't even realise.

Here it is. If you want it or don't want it then I'm fine either way. But I want to help you improve.


Last edited by Echo~the~Hedgehog on Wed Jan 19, 2011 1:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Echo~the~Hedgehog

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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Echo~the~Hedgehog on Wed Jan 19, 2011 1:11 pm

Silverlake the Cat’s View

Okay. This story will change POV continuously. That will harm the flow of the story I'm afraid, unless it's done the right way; switching between a few main characters and not every other paragraph.

I never thought I’d see her this way. The way she hangs in my arms. She’s not breathing. I lay her to the ground. I watch as her feet twitch and her eyes suddenly flicker open. I quickly flash away. I leap into a tree. And I watch her silently in the shadows. My cape hangs down from a branch. My dark, black clothes blend in with the darkness. I ignore my surroundings and watch her.
She slowly sits up. She rubs the back of her head. Her pure green emerald eyes filled with sadness and confusion. I knew what she was asking and I knew the answers. I always have. I keep watching the tan-brown she-cat-human. She flicked her bushy, long tail on the ground. She crossed her legs and pushing on the ground in between her legs. She pressed on the ground and stood up. She shook her head and fixed her shirt. Re-tied it, brushed grass off her shorts, found her sunglasses on the shore of the rushing river and walked off. I thought and thought.

Okay. FIrst big mistake. Your writing style is far too choppy. Your sentences all have a short, inconsistant flow to them. A few of those sentances are fragments. Sentence variety keeps things insteresting and enhances voice. Right now this story's voice is quick, rushed and stale.


Why didn’t she want to know who saved her life? She almost drowned in that stupid river. How disgraceful of her. I shall find her and get her thankfulness, I thought bitterly. I couldn’t believe this. I leaped to a different tree and kept the pace. I found the girl I’ve was looking for. I leaped out in front of her.
She acted surprised.

This is where the confusion starts. Did she not know him before? Why did he jump away if he wanted her to know who saved her? What river? Where are they? By goign strait into the thoughs of the main character, which is admirable, you failed to establish a proper setting.


“Excuse me, but I believe I was the one who saved you,” I said calmly. My face hiding under my hood.
“Uh, excuse me?” she snapped, putting her paws on her hips. Her green eyes were glaring. It was like fire blazing towards me. I felt the hotness of the fire. I couldn’t speak. My throat was dry and I had no words to answer that. My ears pounded with blood running through my veins. My cheek rose hotter. I thought and thought then she interrupted me again. “Alright, let’s just skip to, who are you?”
“Silverlake,” I could answer that. So easy, but I lost myself in front of her. How could I? I continued to look at her, arms crossed. Then uncrossed them, handing out one paw. “Who are you then?”
“Spiritwater the Cat, proud to be. Mossriver’s friend,” she answered, winking.

Congratulations. You managed to build sexual tension much better than most new writers. However, your description of the main character is still rather sketchy. Your audience does not quite understand his reactions.

Now that I've had three names I can consider them to be Native Americans. The names aremmuch similar to those given by certain tribes. That or they are simply unusual names, and I can forgive that easily. But where are the descriptions for these characters? You're pulling them out of nowhere.

She pointed to the sky. “There’s my ride!” There was a hovering air board with a cream-colored cat on top. I didn’t make out the cat or who she was. Maybe someone I knew well. Strangely well.
“Come on Spiritwater!” the cat called. There was icy blue glaring down at me. Who was she? Mossriver sounded familiar. Nevertheless, I can’t make it out. I must know who Mossriver is. After I’ve worked, I will find out who my partner truly is! Then I shall know to destroy Spiritwater and her friend or not. It was all Dr.’s decisions. I’ll find out, eventually…

The descriptions for the characters are getting better. But your main character has become lost in ambiguity. In attempting to buld a mystery around him we have no idea what's going on. In a mystery story you want the reader to be purplexed but you absolutely do not want to lose him entirely.

So, having no idea what these characters are doing here, where 'here' is, how they know eachother or how they got there, we watch them leave.

Spiritwater the Cat’s View
What a complete retard, I thought to myself. I leaped up to Mossriver’s air board and we boarded off. I sat on her air board as my friend drove off. I couldn’t believe myself. How could I let someone do something like that? I sighed as we rode off.

Let someone do something like what? Aren't you being a bit harsh on him? What's going on?

Mossriver dropped me off at our HQ (head quarters).


Everyoen knows what an HQ is. If you want to put that so much then just say Headquarters and get rid of (HQ). Adding parentheses destroy flow.

I nodded my head and jumped off her air board. I always wondered where she went everyday. I looked up at her to her icy blue eyes. Her eyes always had a sparkle until she got fighting with Eggman. They always went dull. She refused to fight. She would lead me and someone else into danger. Who was this someone else?

Does every single character have amneisia? Are you trying to guide the reader's thoughts? You aren't making sence. What do these characters do? You need to explain.


“I must go, Spiritwater,” she said once more. She looked down upon me as if she kept a secret. “Promise me one thing though. A new promise to keep and you must keep your word, as always.”
I sighed. “What is it now?”
“I need you to find Shadow the Hedgehog and his friend, Rouge the Bat,” Mossriver asked from me. “Well, they’re not friends, partners. They have information I need for…” she paused.
“Who?”
“My…my master,” she looked away. Then without another word, she boarded off. I watched her go.
I see that spiritwater's good friend keeps massive secrets from her, yet she trusts her. Good. The main character seems to have dissappeared and we have even less of a clue what is going on.

I sighed and went into the lower part of the building of HQ. I saw the crew was there. Mossriver was leader of Team Gold. I was deputy. Second in command as you would say it. I sat beside Bobby the Hedgehog on the couch. They were watching some T.V. show.

Oh look! Okay, we now know that mossrivier is the leader and the sentence after deputy was not needed, we get that. But we still do not know what Team gold does. This would have been useful in the begining. Right now the audience has no one to latch onto, not even the main character. You need to realise that the audience comes into a story not knowing up from down and needs explanation of things like that. Big words we understand as long as they aren't made up.

Now, the audience in a story needs a character with whom they can assosiate themselves and through whom they can experience the other characters. The simple description is, 'they need someone who doesn't know anything that way you can explain the situation to that character and, in turn, the audience'. You introduced Bobby without a description by the way.


Then, Lilystem came out from her room with some papers. Her hips swung back and forth, like Mossriver does.
Who?

I watched her as her eyes grew bloody murder.


What does that mean?

I felt sadness and brightness in the room. I saw Nicky the Bat’s eyes light up, while Austin the Hedgebat went dull. I felt mine feeling curious. Bobby caught my eyes.
Who are these people?


“You’re curious about this aren’t you?” he asked.
I nodded. “I wonder if…”
Calvin the Hedgehog interrupted me, “Mossriver has to do with it. We know, we know. While Ryan and Postie are out hunting for Eggman, we got other problems."
“Like what?” Nicky butted in.
Calvin continued with his conversation with the Team. “Shadow the Hedgehog and Rouge the Bat are in town. And well, they’re lookin’ for us.” The white hedgehog with lime-green spikes grinned a sly smile. Raindrop or Lizzie came in from the doorway. She panted.
“They’re here!” she called. “Shadow and…Rouge! They said they want Mossriver now!”

Interesting. Mossriver wanted them. But who are these people? You described calvin but not any others.

I stood up from sitting. Lilystem looked up from her papers. She smiled. She let out a short breath of gratitude.
“Well then, use your manners, Raindrop, and let them in,” she said softly.
“What are you doin’?” Calvin snapped, getting up. He hated Shadow the Hedgehog, especially this time of year. Christmas was coming soon. It was end of November and coming to December 1. I looked out the window and saw the first snow.

Now you're just messing with the audience. Why does Calvin hate Shadow? What are Shadow and rouge to Team gold; how are they significant at all?

I sighed. Loudvoice, or Austin D., would go out there soon and shovel. I laughed at the thought of the little cat fighting the snow with a shovel. Why can’t he see that Macie would do better?

As honestly fun as daydreaming in a story is, we are in a crisis right now.


“Go along with it, Calvin,” Lilystem whispered as Raindrop reached for the door and let the two others in. Shadow the Hedgehog and Rouge the Bat. So many stories, so little time. I walked up to them, holding out my hand.
They ignored it. Shadow came to Calvin. Calvin stood up from sitting on the floor, looking for a fight. The two Hedgehogs known each other, that’s for sure. Fighting over the same girl, Mossriver. I sighed, shaking my head. Rouge watched. She came up to me.

You are back to the choppy sentances. But thanks for that bit of explanation. But it still does not explain why he hates him more at winter. By the way, doesnt mossriver have a master? Usually the "Viola code of Stockholm Syndrome" kicks in: she falls in love with her master.


“Honey, do you know where Mossriver is?” she asked politely. I shook my head.

Shook yes or shook no?

“I’m Second in Command. What do you need?” I told her.
“Well, it’s for Mossriver, but we were going to tell her information about someone,” she then said.
Here was my chance to see what my friend was up to! I took it. “Who?”

Well isn't that special? A bit of a day of firsts isn't this? The audience loves the tiny specks of explanation you're giving us but we are still mourning the total loss of a flow.


“You know who, darling. The guy who saved your life,” Rouge said. “He’s been robbing me ever since I’ve known him. I work for the government and I need him out. So be a dear, and let Mossriver know, we found him.”

That would be the main character you left behind whom we know nothing about. How does Rouge know about this?


"Who? Silverlake?” I questioned. Shadow came up. He stopped glaring with Calvin and answered it for Rouge.
His voice was sharp and deep. “Of course, you dimwit. We need him!”
“I…I didn’t…know,” I stumbled as the black hedgehog stepped up face-face with me. “I’m sorry; we’ve wasted your time. Please, leave.” I pointed to the door, looking down.
Lilystem stopped them. “Wait, I can show you were Mossriver is. I knew where she works. She told me.”
I stared at her in disbelief. Why couldn’t she tell the Team this? Lilystem lead the two out. I watched them go. I watched Calvin go to his room, slamming the door. Then Nicky and Raindrop chatting on the floor about the next plans of attack for another rival, Silver the Hedgehog. Then Bobby and Nate (Wolfhowl) sat on the couch. I sat down next them, wondering what could become of our Team if their leader never returned.

Now that was just a jumbled mess.

Mossriver the Cat’s View
No, it cannot be! I stared at the master’s HQ. Sonic had done it again! Destroying my master’s HQ. I shall kill him if it is the last thing I do!


Who is your master and what is going on?

I glared my icy blue eyes at the destruction. Wait, if this is Sonic’s job, where was my master? I boarded closer to the HQ. If my master is here, he will make me clean it up. I sighed as I boarded towards the messed-up place.

I thought she was still at the Hq. Oh but Sonic is the bad guy: got it. Transport moves quickly here.

“Sonic!!!” hollered my master. I leaped off my air board and sprinted to my master. I came to a hill and saw the two. Sonic bouncing around and my master shooting at him with lasers. I stopped running and walked with hips swaying and a sly look on my face. I made sure my shirt was tied up in a knot and my shorts were short. I walked towards the two. Sonic stopped so did my master.
“Hello Master, hey Sonic,” I mewed softly.
“Mossriver, where have you been?” Master demanded.
“Out with some friends. You know, defeating the ‘good’,” I answered, glancing towards Sonic. The blue hedgehog’s emerald green eyes in interest. My plan was working. I went up to my master and whispered, “I’m planning Sonic’s capture for you. So, play along.”

Is that Eggman? I think so. What is going on? Who's good and who's bad? How are you going t capture sonic if your plainly a villain?


My master nodded and smirked a smile. “Alright then, why don’t you go inside and take a rest. Sonic, go with her. She may need help.” I nodded to Sonic and he followed. I swayed my hips for him. I felt his stare on them. My eyes glanced back, my icy blue eyes twinkled. His emerald green eyes stared back.

What is going on? Sonic and the master are on opposite sides right? This makes no sence.


Rooms were coming closer down the halls. HQ wasn’t completely destroyed. My room. This is my room. I grabbed on the handle, turned it, and opened it. It was the same: bed, kitchen, bathroom, etc. I went into the kitchen, poured some coffee into two mugs, and handed one to Sonic. I held one in my grasp with my whole paw including my fingers. It was warm, but not with gloves on. I blew in it and took a sip. I sat down on my couch. I nodded to Sonic while putting my mug on the table by the couch. Sonic sat down and set his mug by mine.
“You think we’ll mess them up?” he asked stupidly.
I shook my head, letting my hair flew around me. My bangs covered my right eyes and my left eyes sparkled to Sonic’s. He stared back. Love. Well, what he thought. Maybe what I thought. I leaned forward, as well as Sonic. We leaned so close; I felt my breath on him or his breath on me. I didn’t know who was breathing harder. Maybe we were both breathing so hard we didn’t care or know who was.

Breathing. Very sexy. Maybe? We still dont know what's going on.


I felt his hand go behind my back and pulled me closer.

Oh look. They're going to have sex.


We leaned closer, lips touching lips, and then…a knock ruined it. I quickly got up and got the door. Shadow and Rouge were standing at my door. I shook my head, liping, “Not now…” I slammed the door and turned back to Sonic. I fingered him into my room.
“Follow me, blue hedgehog,” I whispered. He got up and followed. I went into my room, him following. He closed the door and I climbed on my bed. I hit the bed with my paw and my eyes told Sonic to come on. He did. He leaned closer, making me lean backward towards the back of my bed.

Why were shadow and rouge there? What happened? Where did they go and when did they come back?


“Can you keep a secret?” I asked in a whisper.
“What?” he nodded his head, leaning farther in. His eyes dazed into mine.
I pushed him away gently, back to my trap. He flew up in the air into a net I had made for several hours or days. Either, I don’t care. I hopped off my bed and put my paws on my hips. I sneered a sly smile.
“Thought you would see my body? You guessed wrong, Sonic. I am not the girl you think I am. I work for Eggman and only Eggman. I lied to my Team about my job. I steal for Rouge and Shadow. And Shadow…well,” I smirked.
“Loves you?” Sonic struggled in the net.
I shook my head. “He’s my...ex-boyfriend…” I turned away and snapped my fingers. Eggman came bursting through my door. He snapped the net into his hands and walked off, pleased. I didn’t watch them go. Tears started rolling down my cheek. I can’t bare this any longer! I sped up the wall, breaking through the ceiling. I flew up into the sky. My air board speeding towards me. I flipped three times and landed on my air board at sonic speed. I laughed to myself and continued boarding.


She cried then she laughed? We don't know what's going on inside her head.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Later*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I came across my HQ of Team Gold. I hopped off my air board and it went back into the garage. I went inside the building. The door came to my face like lightning. I sighed, twisted the knob, and came in. My Team stared at me. I looked down at my black boots (with heels). I shook my head with my light brown hair wrapping around my face. My icy blue eyes came over to Calvin. He looked at me with plead.
“Where were you?” Lilystem’s voice spoke up. The brown she-cat was coming out of her room into the Main Room. I ignored her question and walked into the kitchen. I poured some lemonade into a glass and put the glass that held the drink back into the fridge. Lilystem and Spiritwater came strolling in.
“Seriously, where were you?” Spiritwater asked.
“No place you want to be.” I didn’t look at my friends/teammates. “Sides, you don’t want to get into trouble with anyone. Especially Shadow and Rouge.”
“What about Shadow and Rouge?” Calvin came in after the two girls. His amber eyes glaring at the name of “Shadow”. I knew the two of them hated each other, but it would never be friendship or even teammate ship.
“Nothing,” I snapped. I turned away from the three. “Why do you guys care so much about me?”
“’Cause you are our leader,” Lilystem said gently. She tried placing her paw on my shoulder, but I shrugged it away. The three stared at my back for a long time. I gave in.
“Alright, you want to know where I’ve been?” I turned to face them.
The three nodded. Lilystem then mewed, “I already know. But these two and the rest of the Team need to know.” I remembered I told Lilystem where I’ve been. She knew the first day I worked for Eggman and Shadow.
I sighed and walked into the Main Room. Every Teammate was there. Calvin and Spiritwater joined the crowd. Even Damion the Squirrel and Justin the Hedgehog were there. I looked at my strong team. They would be angry with what I put myself into; only I did it to protect them.
“I must tell you, my team, I work for Eggman,” I started and waited for their reactions…

Betrayal. More characters without so much as a color. And the entire team had no idea she was leading a team against Eggman in order to do eggman's evil? What is going on here?

Silverlake the Cat’s View


Oh look. The main character again.


I ran through the city at sonic speed, following a pink hedgehog. My dark hood was up and my eyes gleaming. I chased the pink hedgehog everywhere, keeping up with her. I snarled at her. Knowing that she would use a trick at anytime, I dodged he hammer attacks. I boomed up in the air, came down with speed, and kicked the back of her neck. She fell into the ground with a big THUD! I sneered a smile. My master will be pleased. I picked him up then ran to my master’s HQ. I knew this pink hedgehog’s name. It was Amy. Amy Rose. Sonic’s girlfriend.
“My master will be pleased to see such a fine lady,” I snarled as I ran to the master’s HQ. The pink hedgehog was still sleeping, barely awake. Her emerald green eyes barely visible. I smiled slyly to her. Sonic will see her and be happy.

Does he work for eggman? Sonic? Good? Bad?

As I neared HQ, I saw Shadow and Rouge waiting. I slowed my pace.
“Honey, what took you so long?” Rouge asked with a sneer.
“I couldn’t find her at first, Rouge. Leave me be,” I snapped and walked past the two. I lashed my tail at Rouge. She dodged it and gripped onto it. I yowled in pain. I whipped around, kicking her back, watching her let go. I sped away to my master’s HQ Room.
“Hello, Silverlake,” my master’s voice boomed through the room.
“I have brought Amy Rose,” I said. I walked into the Room more and saw Sonic trying to get out of a plastic window. He banged and banged at the door.
“Sonic proof, you like?” my master asked. I nodded and laid Amy Rose in front of him. Sonic scream “No” in the plastic. I could barely hear his voice. I only made out the words “Amy!”, “No!”, and/or “Run!”.
“Where shall I put her?” I questioned. My master beckoned me away. “Shall I find your other apprentice?”
My master nodded. “Yes, then bring her back here. We need help catching Knuckles and Cream with Cheese.” I nodded and ran off. I sprinted past Shadow and Rouge. They stopped me by calling my name. I skidded to a stop.
“What?” I snapped the question.
“I found Knuckles over near the Master Chaos Emerald on Echo Island,” Rouge informed me.
I nodded. “Yes, I was headed there.”


It's called Angel Island. The quality of your writing seems to lax when dialouge comes into play. Before dialouge its far too choppy.


“Cream & Cheese along with Tails were spotted by the Beach at noon. They might be still there,” Shadow explained. “You know kids.”
I nodded to the two of them. “Thank you. Wish you well, and I saw a Jewelry Store down the street from Team Gold’s HQ. It’s new and just finished. I saw a chaos emerald of some sort in there. Go check it out. It might be important to us and Master Eggman.” Then I ran off to Team Gold’s HQ. I found the window and kneeled by it.
“Guys, I’m sorry!” Mossriver’s voice pleaded over the complaints. I widened my eyes to see the whole Team there! There! I saw them. Calvin and Bobby with Nikki and Aaron. Wow, everyone I chased for many years were here in this spot. Mossriver being their leader and planning everything to stop us. I snarled a smile. Everyone here would be captured and brought to my master. But, wait! There are too many. I must find another way to defeat them. But the question is: How?
“Traitor!” Nikki spoke up. Her tail wrapped around her. She was a flying squirrel, so her long, bushy tail was longer than she was. Her wings under her arms. Her green eyes in the glaring. Her nickname was Spiritvoice. It fit her well.
“Spiritvoice! Bobby! Calvin! Shush!” Lilystem snapped over the loud voices. “Let Mossriver explain all of this.”
“Alright, is it all Shadow?” Calvin asked in a snarl.
“No!” Lilystem answered for her leader. “It’s something about us. For us. Mossriver did it to save our lives!”

A bit of a commotion but this part was better than the most in pure writing ability. However the situation has very little setting.

Silence was stirring across the room. So, Mossriver, leader of Team Gold, was the other apprentice of Eggman. No wonder she looked too familiar to me.

Makes sence. Do you have amnesia?

"Eggman captured me one night and Lilystem finally found me. I was tapped and roped down. I was in need. My Team was in danger. Lilystem betrayed me so Eggman could let me go. Eggman offered me something.
“He said, ‘Mossriver, I’ll let you go if you work for me.’ I did as he asked me to do. He also threatened to destroy all of you in one single button if I didn’t work for him. I kept this a secret so you guys wouldn’t get hurt. So, I decided to tell you guys and Eggman knows. I had to call him Master the rest of the years I worked for him. That is why I had t work for Eggman.” Mossriver looked down at her feet. Her tail whooshed around her. My story was very different from hers. Could I, almost have the same relation to her? I followed her around as she walked around the room. She came to Calvin.
Mossriver sat down next to him. “Patrols go!” Everyone left, except for the ones who weren’t one patrol. They went into their rooms.

Wait..where are they again? This story is getting frustrating. The explaination was poorly thought out.

My eyes watched as Mossriver laid a paw on Calvin’s cheek. “Pineneedle, you know I love you. Shadow is not in my life any longer. You’re the one I want.” So, that was his nickname. I kept watching.
He laid his hand on her paw. He looked deep into her eyes. This is what I wanted for Spiritwater. To love her as she loved me. I wanted her as much as Pineneedle wanted Mossriver. “Mossriver, I love you too. Will…we be together forever?” He took out a ring in a small box.
Mossriver got up and gave out her paw. “We need to talk about something.” They left the HQ and went for a walk. That was it! I need to tell Spiritwater how much I want her. I headed off. I sprinted to the Beach to find Tails and Cream with Cheese.

Okay. That was rushed and poorly thought out. Everyone has 2 names which is bad because you already have so many ocs, some of which we dont even know what they look like. And now the main character is going to profess his love to spirit water when we dont have a clue if/how he knows her.

“Tails! Come on! Cheese and I wanna play in the water!” Cream’s voice called.
“No thank you, Cream! I’m too full!” Tails answered.
“Chao!” Cheese purred. I saw the blue chao and Cream the Rabbit in the water. Tails the two-tailed fox was sitting on the beach with his hand over his full stomach. I leaped into action with a net that was fox, rabbit, and chao proof. I snatched up the three and sprinted to Echo Island for the next victim…

If he can sprint across water then more power to him. It's called angel island. And didnt he just say that he waas off to see his beloved? Seems a bit....contradictory.

Spiritwater the Cat’s View
I ran with my patrol. The people in the patrol were: Bobby, Spiritvoice, Jaysong (Hayden), and Hunter H. They ran all with me. Spiritvoice saw something strange running towards us. The guy saved me! I stopped. The rest of the patrol did the same thing as I did. I watched the guy who came up to me in walk form.
“What are you doing here?” I snarled.
“Me? I’m on a mission to look for someone,” he answered.
“Who?” Jaysong spoke up. Her green eyes lighting up. I turned sharply and threw a blade at her to shush. She dodged it and watched it fly past her. I sighed then caught the bouncing blade back. It came back to me in a second then I put it back into my pocket.
“I’m looking for your leader, Mossriver,” Silverlake meowed, bowing his head.
“I’m sorry, but she’s going for a walk with Pineneedle out in the…never mind,” I quickly stated.
He looked at me strangely. He smirked; closing his eyes then looked back up. He held out a paw. “Come with me then.” I took his paw. The Patrol looked at me then ran off to where we were headed. While I, walked with Silverlake. We walked to the rooftops of the city and sat there. He and I watched the sunset. I kept staring at his beautiful silver-gray face. I also had gray pelt but it sparkled as Silverlake’s eyes did.
“So, what did you want?” I asked him. I searched his eyes, but he didn’t turn to face me. He looked between his feet then reached into a pocket. He pulled something out. A little box or something. Well, cardboard box. He gave it to me. I took it from Silverlake. I ripped the tape cut with my nail and pulled something out. “What? What is this?” I pulled out a small necklace and attached to it, a small ring. I slid the ring off and looked at the small diamond inside.
“Something I thought you would like,” Silverlake answered, looking at me.

The romance here is comming way to easily. She doesnt know this guy. He probably doesnt know her. Where did that jewelry come from? Why did the team abandon her if its clear he's a bad guy?

“What’s the ring about?” He laid a finger on my lips and leaned closer. He shook his head. He leaned closer, pulling his finger away from my lips, and then it happened. The kiss I’ve been waiting for all my life. He and I had both closed our eyes and kissed. We got so close; I thought I heard my heart and his heart pounding against each other. Our souls united into one.
We pulled away, staring at each other. I smiled small to him. He smiled back. I understood now. He wanted me to be with him forever. Could I accept it? I decided to. I opened my mouth but no words came out. Silverlake smiled even more.
“You decided yes, didn’t you?” he asked.
I nodded. Silverlake stood up. He held out a paw to me. I took it and he lifted me up. I tripped and landed in his arms. He held me close then whispered in my ear four soft words, “I love you, Spiritwater.” Then once again, we kissed. He swooped off. “I’ll tell my master I’m quitting my job, for you, my love.” I watched him go with a heavy heart. I loved him. I don’t know how or why, but I did. I held the ring tightly in my grasp and watched the night come. I put the ring on my finger and leaped down off the buildings and to HQ.
I saw everyone was resting and eating. Mossriver was in the kitchen, humming. I heard Pineneedle in there with her. Then I heard her playfully say, “Stop! Pineneedle!”
I came into the kitchen, seeing Pineneedle kissing then nipping Mossriver’s neck as she cooked more supper for the Patrol that was still coming. I watched in silence. Pineneedle finally licked her neck then went up to her cheek then kissed once again. Mossriver turned and kissed him on the lips by surprise.
I sighed then turned away. Mossriver noticed me and smiled.
“You hungry?” She asked. I turned to face her. I saw a ring on her finger and hid mine. I nodded slowly. “I made some soup with grilled cheese. If you don’t any, there’s spaghetti and some other things out too. Sandwich makings are already out.”
I nodded to her and Pineneedle. As I went to the table with all the food out, Pineneedle went back to rubbing Mossriver’s neck. Mossriver groaned and laid her head back on Pineneedle’s chest.
“That feels good, babe,” Mossriver moaned softly.
“I’ll keep it soft baby,” Pineneedle whispered back. I finished getting my food and walked out.
As I did, Spiritvoice saw the sparkle on my finger from the ring. She stood up and walked over to me.
“Who’s the lucky guy?” she asked so everyone could hear.
Oh boy, I thought….
Mossriver the Cat’s View
“Keep it up,” I whispered to my fiancé. I moaned as he kept rubbing my neck. He then lowered his hands to my waist then to my hips. He pulled me closer to him and we held each other. I heard Spiritvoice ask Spiritwater a question in the Main Room. Pineneedle followed me into the Main Room.

Onve again. Your rushign the romance way too much. And you never posted her getting up and leaving, just Calvin following her.

“So who’s the lucky guy, Spiritwater?” Spiritvoice asked again.
Spiritwater heisted. “No one you know.”
“Is it that guy we saw, and he took you away?” Jaysong asked, raising a paw.
“How did you know?” Spiritwater snapped, staking as she was going to fight. Pineneedle grabbed my hips again and pulled me to him, closer than before. I laid a paw on his cheek and he laid his head on it. I felt as if he closed his eyes to the warmth of my touch. I closed mine then reopened them.
“Spiritwater, what are you talking about?” I butted in.
My friend showed me the ring on her finger. That was forbidden! Everyone knows that if the Team does not know the husband-to-be or wife-to-be than the Teammate who is getting married must be banished! I sighed. “Do we know this person?”
Spiritwater nodded small. “I think you do, Mossriver.”
“Who? It can’t be…” I started laughing. Nevertheless, my friend nodded. I shook my head. “No, you cannot marry him! You either will divorce him or be banished from the Team! What is your choice?” I got out of Pineneedle’s arms to my friend’s face. She stared back blankly. Pineneedle blinked then sighed.
“Well, let’s have a Meeting, Mossriver. Before we decide anything yet. Sides, the rest of us don’t know Silverlake,” Pineneedle explained.
“Exactly!” I agreed.

That is a stupid rule. And it should have been introduced as soon as she said 'no one you know' a few paragraphs back. Not to mention you keep throwing romantic fluff out there for no reason.

“But, you know him so why can’t the rest of us know him?” Pineneedle finished. He continued, “Spiritwater will invite him here then we decide whether to let Spiritwater marry him or not. Mossriver, you let me ask you. Give your friend a chance all right?”
I nodded briefly. “Fine, all right. Team Gold, let’s wait until morning until we find Silverlake.” Spiritwater looked at me hopefully. I pointed my finger to the door. “Find him now; come back when you find him.”
Spiritwater ran out the door. I watched her as she gladly left the HQ. Pineneedle held me and swept me into his arms. I kissed him on the cheek. He walked me to the Meeting Room down the hall. The Team followed, some were already in there. A poster hung over the whiteboard.
Pineneedle put me down. I walked to the whiteboard, a long walk, and took down the poster. I took a marker and drew our HQ and Eggman’s HQ. The whole Team, except for Spiritwater, watched me. I kept drawing then stopped once finished.
“Alright, this is our HQ and this is Eggman’s,” I explained, pointing to the drawings.
Jaysong raised her paw. “Does this mean we’re going to attack?”
“I don’t know, yet, Jaysong,” I answered. I turned to the others. Some stayed quiet, staring at the board; while others looked down and drew circles on the table with their fingers. Jaysong kept raising her paw.
“Mossriver!” she called once more. I pointed to her. “What if we all decided to attack Silverlake when Spiritwater isn’t here or not looking? We can capture him and make him say what Eggman is up to.”
I thought for a moment as most of the Team nodded their heads. I soon decided. We would. “Alright, Team Gold. Here’s what we shall do…”

Ahh so they do know that this guy is a baddie then?

What you have here is a classic beginner story. So much stuff takes place and it is all rushed out in a small amount of time. Your characters constantly bounce around here and there. And you did not give us a scrap of background or setting. Just some ambigous amnesia monolouge whenever the main character decided to show up.

What you need to do is first take a look at grammer of this story. Every now and again you had a fragment or a word ommited. Secondly you need to break this thing up into chapters. Each chapter only has to be about 2000 words long. Once that's done you can reorganize this into a much more understandable peice of work.

Next you need to streamline. Use only the original characters that you need to. Try to bring that count way down. Secondly, only give them one name. Two names makes it hard to keep track. Remember that while in your head these characters are as solid as sonic and tails, they are new to us. So we won't as readily keep them distinguished.

Then think about storyline. Try to improve it. Don't rush the romance no matter how much you want to. Try to delete some parts that are unnecesary and elongate parts that are vital. Also think your explanations through more.

Next off give background and setting. Please. tell us about team gold and about your characters. Let us understand more about them from the begining. I know it's hard when your cast is 90% OC but do add those two things.

Flow. To make flow you need to create sentence variety rather than short oneliners describing every small action characters take. Don't just describe movements, describe feelings and thoughts. Take command of puntuation. Italics can be used to describe thoughts. Flow is most affected by the quality of the writing. Quality comes from practise, patients and reviews from fellow writers. As happy as the revews make you that our friends give, they won't help you improve.

Now for the good parts.

The storyline is not without hope. It can be easily polished with a little help from fellow writers. The characters also need some work done but not as much as some others i've seen. The basic plot can be made much better if you, me and the others here work on it. You also have an instictive talent with writing, which is more than what I started out with. You know how to write and all you need to do is improve. So let's get improving.
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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by The Administrator on Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:14 pm

Echo, I must say that was phenomenal. You basically snarked her work but instead of outright bashing it you gave a lot of helpful, constructive criticism. As for the criticism itself, I'd say he's spot on. Make your sentences flow more, fill in some plot holes and you'll have something pretty damn good on your hands.
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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Echo~the~Hedgehog on Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:47 pm

Thanks.
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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Shadouge1000 on Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:12 pm

Alright, I admit that I'm still stupid at writing. Echo, first of all, call me Spot. I hate being called Lily. Ugh, sorry that's my friend's name...well not in real-life but her Warrior CAT name. The names are made-up (not Shadow, Rouge, etc.) But Silverlake, Spiritwater, etc are my Warrior Cat name. Team Gold is kinda like a rescue team, I guess. They help save the world. You know, helping Sonic through everything.
I'm sorry if I disappointed u about my writing. If u were hoping for something actually good. Sometimes, my writing can be like that. But it's just my style in my writing. I just write down whatever my mind has. I'm only 12-13. My life is already a totally way off. But, I guess...I should just stick with drawing. So, u won't see any other fan-fics by me until I learn more...about other crap...
Also, I like to write about sexy things, so yeah. My friend, Martina (otherwise known as Spiritwater), just had back surgery and this is her get-well gift, but looks like I have to re-write because of what u suggested. And I'm on, let's see Chapter...whatever...Page 26. But hey! I'll just post the pictures then re-write the story. I mean it is kinda...crappy...
Thanks for the tips though! If u want, u can re-write the whole thing. What I have posted. I have to re-write anyways...
~Spot
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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by The Administrator on Mon Jan 24, 2011 9:32 pm

Hey, don't quit writing just because you got criticism. He's trying to help you improve, not make you quit.
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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Echo~the~Hedgehog on Tue Jan 25, 2011 5:23 pm

IDK Admin. People always take me the wrong way because I point out every flaw instead of only a few. =/

Spot, everyone has been where you are. What you have to ask yourself is 'do you like writing?'. If you like writing then there is no reason for you to stop. This is the first time you've gotten a serious critique. And it's not as bad as it feels right now.

My first review was a flame. I thought about it many times at first. "Stop posting this shit and learn how to write." But it doesn't matter. My first fiction was much worse than yours. And I improved.

Don't be so hard on yourself right now. As for rewriting, I know its a pain in the ass. But once you get into the feel of it, it comes as naturally as swallowing.

If you feel like you need to take a break, I understand too. But I suggest you don't simply let the talent you already have go to fallow. Read literature. Shakespeare, Dickens and middle-age poetry are the best. Avoid Dystopias as Dystopias as they will rot your mind.

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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Shadouge1000 on Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:40 pm

Oh....Now u explain it...XD lol, never mind. Sorry, I was in one of those moods where I was in a crappy moods. At my school, I get picked on A LOT. So, I thought u HATED my writing...Sorry for taking you the wrong way. If you like Sonadow, I made a fan-fic on Deviant Art. I'm Spottedleaf1000. I LOVE WRITING! AND DRAWING!! XD lol. I'm SO addicted to drawing SO MUCH! XD All my teachers, friends (only like 4 TRUE friends), a LOT of parents, etc. All think I'm good at drawing. They haven't read my stories yet. Well, I write so much, people think its like homework. I just say, "I do it for fun!" lolz.
Oh, look! something SHINY! Sorry...A.D.D. OMSC! MY KITTY! SHE'S SO FLUFFY! NO, I mean yes, she's fat, ut who cares?!? XD She's MAH kitty! XD My brother seems a little pissy at me! HOLY CRAP! Mom's going to let him go out with his girlfriend 2morrow....I hate her....
Oh, sorry... I get trailed off, I have NO idea where I'm at...XD Smile
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Re: I don't know what to call this story yet....Please read and help me...

Post by Echo~the~Hedgehog on Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:36 pm

I don't know either. XD

Sonadow I actually dont like at all. But aside.

Your avatar is blocking out some words of your post. Perhaps you should shrink it a bit?

keep up the improving. I might post some of my work once I get around to typing it up.
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