'The Proto'... Oops, I mean 'THE PROTOMAN!'

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'The Proto'... Oops, I mean 'THE PROTOMAN!'

Post by Sirius on Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:26 pm

Hello, Sirius here and I'm going to try my hand at snarking.
Axl: Ooh, can I help?
...Why are you here?
Axl: I heard you were going to snark a Mega Man fic, and I thought I'd swing by to help.
...Well, I do work better with others... So, fine, you can stay. Anywho, let's start snarking 'THE PROTOMAN!'.
Axl: That name alone let's you know it's gunna suck.
Indeed. Now, let's begin. Chapter 1: 'THE PROTOLOUGE'.
Protman and Megaman were just sitting in Dr. Lite’s lab one day thinking about things.
...This is gonna be too damn easy...
Axl: So, anyway, Roll comes in, gives them some lemonaid, and then Proto sends her back 'in2 the kitchen.'
Then all of a suddun in that veryinstant Dr. Wily bursted thru the wall!!! Agh! OH NO!!!!
Department of redundancy department.
Axl: I'm assuming Wily's in a machine, cause I don't think he could 'bursted thru the wall' without one.
He couldn't fly away after kidnapping Roll without a machine either.
Protoman and Megaman Didn’t do anything bcuz nobody cares about roll because shes a woman.
Oh, hey, a sexist, how wonderful.
Axl: A sexist who will never get laid or learn how to spell. He's too 'l33t' or some such bullshit.
But on the way out Wily bumped against Megamans favorite lamp and broke it.! “U Basterd!” mega man yelled rather loudishly. He shot wily several times in the head but Wily laughed and said “HAHAHAHA I have a bullet shield!”
Oh, really, Mega Man has a favotire lamp? That he will kill someone for breaking?
Axl: ...Loudishly? Are you f*cking kidding? I didn't think it was possible to be that stupid.
Oh, and Dr. Wily has a bullet shield? I wonder why he never used it... Oh, right, because Mega Man doesn't shoot f*cking bullets! He shoots energy blasts. Or plasma, or something, but not bullets.
Axl: Aaaaaanyway, Mega Man 'eqwippes his armer peercers' and goes 'PEW PEW PEW!!'
You forgot an exclamation point.
Axl: Oh, thank you. He goes 'PEW PEW PEW!!!"
But Wily didn’t die!(PLOT TWIST!)
...Axl, how deep are we in this fic?
Axl: Chapter 1.
*shoots self in head*
Axl: He'll be up in no time folks. I guess that means I'm doing this alone.
Bass: *walks in* Nah, I'll help. I need a good laugh.
Axl: Right. Anyway, Wily drops Roll, and Mega Man... O.o
Bass: *vomits*
Axl: Let's... just skip to chapter 2...
Chapter Two: THE PROTOFIRST!
Axl: Okay, Mega goes to jail...for...some...reason...and now Proto's got to stop the Robot Masters.
Protoman put on his protoshoes and burst through the protodoor.
Axl: Yay, he learned! No more bursted! Did you know there was a protodoor?
Bass: I did not.
He ran along the protoroad for like, ever and got really prototired. He decided to stop at a gas station for some protofood and protochocolate milk which he drank with bad assery.
Axl: ...He's just fucking around now. He means for this to be horrible.
Bass: Is it possible to look badass while drinking chocolate milk?
Axl: It is not.
“HOLY SHIT, TIT FUCK! He/She’s the sickest fuck in the 8-bit!” He yelled. Now, ordinarily, Protoman wouldn’t be so… blunt. But in this particular tale, he is, so fuck you.
Axl: ...I...honestly have nothing to say, I think this scene speaks for itself just fine...
Bass: I'll give him credit; he DID notice how out of character he was making Proto, and gave a good reason for it.
Axl: Okay, Proto get's attacked by sentry bots, so he jumps to the next screen...I could not make this up if I tried.
The next room had a moving platform which moved in a vertical pattern. At its highest point, it touched a row of spikes, below it, a bottomless chasm. “Alright, this is going to be as tight as the reader’s mom, I gotta time this right!” Protoman said as he jumped for the platform.
Axl: ...Fourth wall? What's that?
Bass: So, Proto falls, dies, makes a comment about having only two lives left, he makes the jumps, does a couple pelvic thrusts in celebration, and fights through a horde of robots.
Axl: He gets to the boss door and jumps through it, because 'only fags walk through doors.'
Bass: I guess that means almost everyone in the world is a fag.
Axl: Then Proto makes a stupid remark that's supposed to be badass, kills the boss, then fucks the dead body.
Bass: Next chapter.
Chapter Three: THE PROTOSECOND!
*gets up* uhh... Is it over?
Axl: No, last chapter.
*points gun at head, pulls trigger, no bullet is fired* Damn it!
Axl: C'mon, let's get this over with.
No! I am NOT finishing this! I'm ending this here. Sorry to disappoint, but that's all the shitty writing I can take today. Since the story isn't completed, I'll have to pick this up when he udpates. That's it for me.

---Part 2---

Yo. I decided I'd snark chapter three now. Why? 'Cause I don't feel like waiting for him to make a chapter four or five. So, this may be a bit short, but I'm only doing one chapter. So, let us begin.
Protoman was up on the level select screen deciding which robot master to tackle next with his newly gained “Anal-Bead Launcher” which shot anal beads(Who woulda’ thunk?).
...This is going to hurt more than the last chapter, isn't it?
Axl: Yes. Yes it is.
...You're still here?
Axl: Yup. I said I'd help you snark this fic, and help you I shall.
Right, whatever, let's just get this painful chapter over with...
Anyway, Proto chooses Black Man as his next enemy because 'he's Protoman and he fucking does what he wants.'
Axl: He beams into an urban slum filled with dead bodies and garbage.
Protoman heard a gun-cocking(lol)sound behind him and turned around to see a large African American/Blacky/Darky/Chocolate Face/Negro, your pick.
... *facepalm*
Axl: Oh, joy, more racism, just what this shitty story needed...
Anywho, the dudes got a most likely fake gun aimed at Proto, so he...
Protoman Ducked behind an empty bucket of fried chicken, raised his arm over the top and shot a few anal beads at his minoritorial foe which resulted in homophobic screeches as large beads connected by string slowly forced their way up the OG’s rectum.
...Are you kidding? Can this get any more racist?
Axl: Yeah, a fried chicken bucket... THAT'S a good place to duck for cover...
And how the hell is it cover? How big is this bucket and what is it made of? I mean, a bucket should not be able to be used as cover.
Axl: Oh, and his anal bead launcher not only homes in and goes up the ass of it's target, it also explodes.
Anyway, a hooker comes up, sucks Proto's dick, he kills her, then he sees the boss door.
Axl: He goes for the door when... When... I'm sorry, I can't say this, it's too damn stupid... Show the quote...
He ran over to it but was suddenly stopped by a police officer in a dinosaur suit. “!” PLOT FUCKING TWIST “!” The police officer ripped off his suit to reveal that he was actually a dinosaur in a police officer suit! “Roar!” he said in his native dialect but Protoman would not be swayed by such horse shit as this and shot off another anal bead but he was out of ammo…!
...What drugs was he on when he wrote this?
Axl: And not only is the anal bead launcher the dumbest weapon ever designed, it's also the worst, as it has only one shot. I wonder what Black Man's weapon will be...
I hope to never find out. Anyway, the dinosaur is taken to prison...
Axl: Because the military wouldn't want to examine it, or just blow the fuck out of it...
...And said cop-impersonating dinosaur spent the rest of this story screwing Mega Man... Ow. Moving on.
Axl: Proto enters the boss door to fight Black Man, and then... To be continued.
Yeah, he writes 'To Be Continued...' then just keeps on going. Bastard! I thought I was finally done.
Aight, so dis shit wuz 2 crazee tho.
...Did he just get dumber? I mean, by chapter two, it seemed he was finally learning things most fifth graders know, and now he's back to the first grade typing style... What the fuck? Are you kidding?! Did your I.Q. rise slightly for chapter two, then fall back down to zero?!
Axl: Huh...
Zero: Someone call me?
Me & Axl: No.
Zero: Okay. *walks off*
Axl: Anyway... After possibly the worst written action sequence ever, the author breaks the fourth wall (again)...
2 B Continued?
Please God say no, please God say no...
Damn Fucking Straight
Damn it!
Axl: As I think Sirius' little mental breakdown shows, this chapter is worse and more racist than chapters 1 & 2...
Well, that's the end for now. Now I have to enjoy what time I have until he updates again... See ya.


Last edited by Sirius on Wed Jan 20, 2010 3:48 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Continuing Snark)
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Re: 'The Proto'... Oops, I mean 'THE PROTOMAN!'

Post by The Administrator on Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:47 pm

You forgot to link to the story. Otherwise, really well done.
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Re: 'The Proto'... Oops, I mean 'THE PROTOMAN!'

Post by Sirius on Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:54 pm

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Re: 'The Proto'... Oops, I mean 'THE PROTOMAN!'

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