Close To Home (a Law and Order SVU fic)

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Close To Home (a Law and Order SVU fic)

Post by Outthere-23 on Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:01 pm

Okay, I'm snarking this story as I read it (and will probably need to post it incomplete and come back and continue with the "edit" button), and already I see the beginnings of a horrible story. Olivia Benson and Eliot Stabler have a love child, Alyssa, as if that isn't bad enough, she's on the force, in the same unit! I believe there's something called "conflict of interest", and if this isn't then I don't know what is. Well, anyways, Alyssa is 27, which make Olivia, Elliot, and Fin almost eligible for retirement, and making Munch and Kragen too old to probably stay on the force. I could imagine an office conversation including this:

"That's because the government is putting drugs in our... Oh crap, what are they putting them in? Was it vaccines, or the water?"
"Oh great! Not only is Munch still rambling about conspiracies, but he can't even remember them anymore!"

But they're all in the story, and we get this little gem:

"Can you try to not scare this one off, please." Olivia pleaded with
her 27 year old daughter. "Cragen said he'll have you transferred to
Computer Crimes, if you can't get along with this one."
"Yeah, yeah." She waved her hand at her dismissing her comment.

Not only is Alyssa in the same unit her parents are, she keeps going through partners! Oh, it gets better!

"Yeah that nice guy that came temporarily, a veteran officer at that.
You made him retire because of your attitude after half a year. Then
that nice girl, you sent her out crying after two months. Then the most
recent one, the one everyone thought was going to stay, he didn't
deserve what you did to him." Elliot said to her shaking his head.
"We've been dealing with trying to find you the perfect partner that
you don't scare or threaten away. Right now the two of us are the only
partners that can deal with you. Munch and Fin hate it when they have
to do a case with you, even Alex hates the thought of putting you on
the witness stand."
"Well sorry if I got my old partner killed for my incompetence." She muttered turning her head away.
"It wasn't your fault! Get that through your head!" Olivia told her.

Wangst alert! Alyssa's first partner gets killed and she blames herself! Can you smell the crap pile already? I have, and this is the furthest I've gotten so far!

Oh, Alyssa's new partner, Lando DeLano, is male, AND cute.

Lando DeLano. Could this author just NOT think of a last name that's anything other than a near a angram of the first? But just so that we know Alyssa has attitude:

"What planet did they find you on, Neptune?" She asked as she slightly
grabbed his hand and then pulled her hand immediately away. He stood
speechless looking at her.
"Keep staring and I might just do a trick." She sarcastically commented as his mouth slightly gaped.
"I uh um, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I find you
ferociously inhuman yet I find that and your looks very attractive."
Landon said as the Elliot smacked his forehead and Olivia shook her
Alyssa raised her eyebrows as she walked up to him, leaving only centimeters between them.
"Here it comes." Cragen said. "Good Lord that poor kid. I forgot to tell him not to say things like that to her."
"Are you hitting on me Detective DeLano?" She asked.
"I haven't really hit on a woman in a long time so I think I just might have." He timidly said as she circled him.
She licked her lips and she smiled at him; it was quite scary as she was smiling sincerely, at a guy. "No man has ever had the balls to hit on me like that. I like you."

Hmmm... let's see... Lando is the one guy out of many partners that can please Alyssa. Sound familiar?

Chapter 2:
A year and a half later: I bet the timeskip was just for mercy.
Alyssa and Lando are now working well together, who's surprised?

"So we finally got the confession. No broken noses or claims of police
brutality to add to it?" Alex asked as she looked at Alyssa.
"Hey it only took us one hour and I played good cop for once." She
answered. "I actually ad to hold Landon back. I thought I was going to
have to use a leash. I was a good girl Aunt Alex."
"See the government has finally implanted a chip in her brain. Our dear little Alyssa Stabler is softening up." Munch stated.

So is Munch now just throwing non-sequitur conspiracy claims?

"Huang, how can somebody bring themselves to do this to 27 women?"
"It's the HAARP facility I tell ya!"
"That didn't even make any sense, Munch"

And if you're still not convinced that Alyssa has an attitude, the author offers this:

"Hey I'm still bad ass Munch. Those perverted bastards don't stand a
chance against me. Remember that one perp two weeks ago? I flatten him
after five minutes in that room."
"And you're proud of that?" Fin asked her.
"Damn straight, pervs don't they have no right to hit on me."
"She's your daughter alright." Elliot mumbled to Olivia who shot him a glare.
"Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I'm just that good." Alyssa proudly stated.

Just in case you forgot.

Landon has a brother, Zachary, and Landon and Alyssa go to his apartment, and what does Zachary look like? Landon with a different hair color. Reeeeeeal original. What happened at Zach's apartment?

Alyssa downed her third shot with a gulp. She already had two glasses
of scotch, a beer, and now three shots of vodka and was feeling beyond
buzzed. "I know how to handle my liquor gentlemen." She slurred. "You
should see when my Mom gets drunk and man it's hard to get her drunk.
She's a riot though." She snorted and then hiccupped as she playfully
slapped Zachary's shoulder.
"I'll take her home. We still have work tomorrow and she'll bitch about
her hangover so I'll be back after I drop her off." Landon said to
Zachary as she was now passing out on his shoulder. He picked her up in
his arms and walked out.

Yes, Alyssa actually got plastered... the company of two guys...
...when she has to work the next day. Landon actually has to take her home and tucks her in bed, then leaves.

Chapter 3

Thought I should mention this. In the story
Olivia is 44, Elliot is 45, Alex is 34, Casey is 32, Fin is 40, Munch
is 57, and Cragen is 62. It takes place in 2009 as we just started 2010.

So Elliot was 18 and Olivia was 17 when they screwed to make Alyssa? That's awful young, but it's the only way to explain how they have a 27-year-old daughter.

Well, anyways, Alyssa wakes up hung over, and when she gets to the precinct, apparently Lando is a no-call, no-show.

Zachary's Apartment9:38 a.m.
"Oooooow! Don't do that!"
Maybe you shouldn't have gotten hammered last night.

is it too much to ask that there be a space between the location and time? I could forgive it if it happened once, but the same typo is on every transition!

Zach is found shot dead, and i forgot to mention that he's a fed. The murder weapon is found at the scene, Warner runs it for prints. Whose are they? Make your bets people!

Landon's Apartment10:26 a.m.

Landon is AWOL, or MIA, don't know yet, and there's a couple of messages. First one:

"Hey um I gave up trying to call your cell. Maybe it's off or
charging. You'll have a dozen messages when you turn it on so um...I
guess you're asleep or you got as plastered as I did last night and
you're passed out."
They heard her give a slight sad laugh, then a sigh, and what sounded like crying. "Listen Landon please just call me back." Was she really crying? "I need to hear your voice and know you're ok. I can't let myself lose another partner."

Okay Alyssa, you scared off all your partners from #2 to the one before Landon. You don't have room to wangst, bitch.

Second message isn't worth quoting, but Warner calls Olivia to tell her that there was a match to the prints, and she'd rather tell everyone in person.

NYC Office of Chief Medical Examiner10:52 a.m.

All the regular detectives are there, and then Melinda tells everybody who the prints were from. Betting is closed.

And the prints belong to...

...Alyssa Benson (3:2). Winners may claim up their winnings at window #3.

Looks Like Elliot spawned another nutcase.

It turns out that Cragen sent Alyssa to the cribs to sleep it off. Olivia doesn't take this well, and they all go down there to see what happened to Alyssa.

16th Precinct11:13 a.m.

Alyssa gets the cuffs slapped on her, end of chapter. Hopefully there won't be any more written... but there is.

Chapter 4

Internal Affairs Bureau's Interrogation Room
1:57 p.m.

At least the transition headings aren't missing a space.

Well, Alyssa's handcuffed in the interrogation room, which is done only for dangerous suspects, because

"Your father is Elliot Stabler. The man's known for bashing people's head in. Taking precautions."

Alyssa gives the interrogator more attitude, and she eventually "lawyers out".
Elliot and Olivia are suspended and forbidden from any involvement in the case. By a show of hands, who thinks they're gonna heed this order? Then of course, they pose the obvious question, posed of course, to Dean Porter, an FBI agent.
"Dean, you think she's innocent?" Olivia asked him.
He nodded. "She's like you. I can see that look in her eyes, she couldn't have done it. I think she was setup."
*clip of M. Bison turning around in his "war room"*
"But of course!"

So Porter gets Alyssa an attorney. Care to guess who it is?

"Casey Novak, you got Casey Novak?" Elliot asked Dean. "Weren't you disbarred four years ago?"
"I'll be reinstated pending on what I do during this case. It's either make it or remain disbarred. What do we got?" She asked.

*sniiiiiiiiiif* Hmmm... do I smell obvious wish fulfillment?

Oh, and the evidence?

"I was drunk. I drank myself under the table." She admitted. "The one thing is, I wasn't carrying my gun."

"You didn't have it with you at all?" Casey asked her.

"Landon dropped me off at my apartment right before we went to his brother's and I left it there." She told them.

So the plot thickens? Well, probably not, since that would be a feature in quality fiction. So now we know who the big bad is.

Alyssa gets dragged of to central booking. End of chapter.

There's more of the story, so I'll post more.

Last edited by Outthere-23 on Thu Jan 28, 2010 9:46 am; edited 5 times in total

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Re: Close To Home (a Law and Order SVU fic)

Post by The Administrator on Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:38 am

Well there's not much to snark, but it's a good job for a first time.
One thing I can suggest:
Break it up more. If there's something you can't snark, leave it out or paraphrase it if it's important.
The Administrator
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Re: Close To Home (a Law and Order SVU fic)

Post by Outthere-23 on Thu Mar 04, 2010 10:56 am

Chapter 6:

Elliot and Olivia go back to Alyssa's apartment, and they find a camera, Landon is found in the hospital, and Alyssa has been released. The prime suspect is:

FBI agent Larry Conway

Guess who picked up Alyssa?

Yeah, why did Alyssa leave with some stranger right out of prison? Even IF he was an FBI agent...

Yeah. Smooth move ExLax!

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Re: Close To Home (a Law and Order SVU fic)

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