100th Post, mutha fuckas!

So, yes, this is my 100th post on this site. And, as Vingle suggested, I decided to make it special. This may not be HUGE, but for me, the quiet guy who usually has nothing to say and never posts, this is something. Heh, I've never hit the 100 post milestone on ANY forum I've ever been on. Anyway, I'll be snarking four, you heard me, FOUR fics. Mind you, only one of which has more than one chapter, but none the less, four fics. As usual, Aisha shall join me on this torturous mission.
Aisha: Joy...
So, anyway, I figured I'd let Flare join again, as these are all Pokemon fics.
Flare: Ah, well, it's something to do.
Exactly. So, shall we begin? This is my special 100th post. Let's start with the shortest of them, tess's pokemon adventure.

There are some days that are normal, and some that feel strange. For eleven year old Tess Ketchum, it wasin't even close to being a normal day.

Oh, wow, Mary Sue right off the bat? It must be my birthday...
Flare: This is gonna suck...
Aisha: Indeed it will.

Today she would leave for her journey to become one of the greatest coordinators in the kanto region.

Wait, it's a girl who wants to be a coordinator? Nevermind, TOTALLY original. Tess Ketchum is a totally original Sue. Honestly, why must people's OCs use the Ketchum name? It just labels the fic for failure. And I've yet to see proof otherwise.
Flare: Oh, why did I agree to this?
Aisha: No idea.

"why can't I get all my clothes to fit in this stupid little bag?" She said. Tess sat down on her bed. She had taers start to form in her eyes.

All: ...FAIL.
Also, Tess and her mom have a conversation about Tess' grandma bein' a coordinator too. This scene, as well as this fic, is... ENTIRELY POINTLESS.
Flare: Let's just keep movin' along. I wanna get this fic out of the way, so we can work on the somewhat tolerable stuff.
Indeed. So, she runs to the professor's lab, and...

'' What happened here?'' ''A team of criminals are in there. They claim they will harm the pokemon if we don't cooperate. ''But i'm supposed to get my first pokemon today. Now what am I supposed to do?'' ''sorry kid your on your own.'' He said as if it didin't bother him at all. I was about to walk away, untill i saw something poke out the window.

...If he doesn't care, why the fuck is he not doing anything?! Besides, Pokemon are used to being harmed. Hell, Pokemon take beams of fire and fucking lightning bolts on a regular basis. This should NOT be a huge problem. Anyway, the cliffhanger is pointless, and it's where it ends. Next failfic. The makings of a new journey!!.

"Must not be late, must not be late, must not be late," Sarah chants as she runs across the grass, scarring the pidgey out of the way. This was Sarahs 10th birthday, and she was on her way to Professor Oaks Laboratory to get her first pokemon. "Please let there be a charmander for me, I'll never bug my sister again, or sleep in if charmander is there waiting for me." And as you can see, she is determined to get a charmander.

...I think she wants a Squirtle. Let's give her a Squirtle.
Flare: She wants a Charmander, have we made this clear enough? No? Then we'll bash you over the head with a stone tablet reading 'SHE WANTS CHARMANDER!'

Oh my God, I had just run over this old guy. Guess I should help him up, before I go see Professor Oak. "So sorry, didn't mean to, I am on my way to pick up a pokemon from Professor Oak, I hope that I am not late, cause I've been waiting all day for this."

Nah, Oak's fine. Yes, she ran over Professor Oak. And she DOESN'T know it's him. How? He kinda stands out in his lab coat and being the most famous professor in the Kanto, hell, even in the Johto regions. He should not be that hard to notice, people.

"As a new trainer from Pallet town, you get to chose from squirtle," he picked up the pokeball with the picture of the raindrop on it and released the tiny turtle pokemon, "bulbasaur," he then released the plant pokemon from the pokeball with the picture of the leaf on it, "and of course there is charmander" however, instead of releasing the charmander, he showed me the pokeball with the picture of the flame on it.
Finding it weird, I asked the Professor, "Why didn't you release charmander?" Now, I've seen plenty of charmander before. But it would be nice to see my first pokemon.
"Well," the professor began, "we've been having problems with this charmander."

*sniff, sniff* I smell a rebel in the near future...

He then released the charmander from its pokeball. Now, most charmanders are red, but this one was gold. However, this is not what got me. All charmanders I ever saw had a great big grin on their faces, this one, however, looked furious. It then proceeded to set me on fire.

1. I was right. 2. Walk it off, ya pussy!
Flare: Yeah, you never really recovered from the whole Eeveelution college crap, did you?
Negative.

"That's its flamethrower," the professor explained, as he put me out. "We've been having trouble with that charmander. It just turned gold one day. Sure plenty of people wanted the charmander, but no one made it to the first town, they would return it for another started, and I don't blame them. I am trying to figure out what's wrong, but let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. Now, do you want bulbasaur or squirtle?"

Yes, shinies apparantly just magically turn shiny over night. Also, no shit it's his Flamethrower. Also, I bet she says 'I still want Charmander.'

"I still want charmander," I replied, as I picked up the charmander, before it was sucked into the pokeball.

I fucking called that! And, no, I didn't read ahead. I swear to God, I did not.
Aisha: Shockingly, he didn't...
Flare: Damn. Good call, Siri.
Aheheheh, I'm good, what can I say?
Flare: Let's just move on.
Right.

"I just hope she knows what she is doing," Professor Oak stated as he returned the remaining two pokemon into their pokeballs to await the arrival of their new trainers. "I give her a week."

So, yeah. Oak let her take a psychotic shiny Charmander with her, one that has lit her on fire AND bit her. That bitch is fucked. Well, she would be, if the fic was ever continued. However, it is not. NEXT! It's not fair. This is based on the Rival from Gold/Silver/Crystal. Let's see how-

It's not fair. Every time I challenge you, I lose. I hate it.

...Ohhh, God... I don't think I can honestly snark this one... It's badly written angst. All I'll say is this; Rival needs to grow a pair, and man up. Seriously, he bitches and moans about the girl usin' type advantages, a strategy that HE planned on using, by the way.
Flare: 'Oh, it's okay if I use type advantage. But you are not allowed to. Only I can do that. If you copy this strategy, I'll go emo and shit. Out of my way, weakling, even though you just beat the shit out of me.'
That... That was awesome, Flare... In one short comment, she summarized this entire fuckin' failfic. Epic job, ma'am.
Flare: Aheheheh...
Aisha: Moving on... Last one, the... seventeen chapters?
FUCK. Okay, I'll pick this one up later... I can't do 20 pages of shit in a row. Until then, I'm out.
Flare: I'll be back when he is.
Aisha: This is gonna suuuuuuck...
Once more, I appologize for bein' unable to do this all at once. The rest shall be done shortly, though.

Golden Pokemon who refuses to stay in its Pokéball? Where have I seen that before..?



Oh yeah.