WHY?!

Look, I'm a StarFox fanboy. I've played every one of the games except Command, I've beaten them all except for Adventures, and of course Command.

Hell, I'm certain I wasn't the only one who immediately knew that Fox and Krystal were going to be a cannon couple the moment I saw the announcement of her being a character in Adventures. Not to mention drooled over her less than decent clothing she had in the game...and its sequal (seriously, jumpsuit or bikini top and loincloth? I can't decide which is hotter! X3)

But we're not here today to discuss the hotness of Krystal or just how far downhill the series has plumited since StarFox 64.

We're here to discuss an abomination of a StarFox fanfic.

Star Fox: Normal People Now

I have read trollfics, badfics, epic failfics, suefics, stufics, but never before have I read a fanfiction that has enraged and confused me as much as this one has.

Spoiler:

And since I had to suffer through it, you do to!

Chapter 1: JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY

All caps...this doth not bode well...

Well, it starts off normal enough. We focus on Krystal in a sort of semi-third-person pov as she goes throughout her daily routine, though it is mentioned that her worry is mounting because her husband (Fox, duh.) along with his best friend (Falco, also duh) are not there doing what they always do in the morning. Seeing as to how this story was titled and the way the summary put it:

Fox, Falco, and Krystal have ended the Star Fox team permenatly, and have decided to live out the rest of their lives as normal citizens. Things seem okay for a while, but sooner or later trouble had to strike, and thats where our story begins.

I would assume it was probably nothing. Maybe it was their anniversery and the two were out setting up a surprise, or perhaps getting a present for the lovely vixen in celebration of another year the two were married.

The worry builds until she finnaly decides to call Fox, we get a fake-out in the form of his cell-phone voicemail before the scene cuts to something that I wouldn't have expected until later chapters.

Fox and Falco are being chased by cops.

You: wut

Yeah, you read that right.

Cops.

"Well, lemme think for a second. We're speeding down a crowed city street being chased by a lack-luster police force; you're all nice and cozy inside the car while I'm on top trying to reattach this damn cannon WITHOUT getting my head blasted off!" Falco replied, dodging the lasers being fired at him.

What the fuck? what happened to 'a normal life?' What the fuck have those two been doing to get them in trouble with the law?! Why would two renowned heroes turn to a life of crime when they ought have a bank account so in the black that it'd be downright nigh impossible to empty when one lives a life of normality instead of the high-cost life of a merc?

One might think this was a mistake, maybe they're just a bunch of corrupt cops. Hell, I wish I knew, the story never tells us why!

Seriously, what the fuck?

Oh, and then shit blows up.

At that moment the cannon was restored to its full power and blinked into existence on the Navigation Screen in the car followed by a computerized voice confirming it, and one of the hover bikes chasing them overheated and exploded. The road ahead held a train track and on it the lights were flashing in time with the clanging of bells. An on-schedule train carrying a shipment of argon, a highly reactive gas when near flames, rolled on down the tracks.

The hover bike's burning shell flew over the car and landed in front of it, created a roadblock that meant certain doom for the two. Falco slipped back into the car with a look of shock to match his partners when he looked down the road. Fox tried his best to slam on the brakes and slow the car down, but just as the car decelerated it slammed into the busted bike, was engulfed in a ball of flames and rolled down the street on a collision course with the train that was going by. The car's flipping slowed it quite a bit, but not enough to keep the inevitable from occurring. There were no screams from inside of the car during those last few moments, only the sounds of the computers sensors and alarms going off.

Dude, argon is an inert gas.

End Chapter 1. Litteraly.

I can't tell if this is a failfic or a cleverly disguised troll fic.

The worst part is, the chapter litteraly ends after that.

It's so hard to write good fics, yet it's so easy to write something that makes people vomit.

God really wanted us to try in life, didn't he?

Chapter 2: THE AFTERMATH LEADS TO A NEW BEGINNING

Still all-caps. Yay. At this point, I was willing to cast my disbelief at the oddity of chapter 1 aside. I had high hopes for this story, the grammar and spelling were fantastic, and that is usually a good sign of quality and effort. I thought, "Hey, chapter 1 might have completely lost me, but perhaps this is one of those stories that has everything being explained in the long run to point that it all makes sense in the end. Kinda like that one movie who's name I forget. I do know that it was confusing at first, but it was awesome and everything was explained in the end.

I couldn't have been more wrong...

"…And the fire has spread all the way to a nearby warehouse holding military grade explosives. When the initial blast occurred it shook the entire city for at least 10 minutes and shocked the citizens inside of it for hours more. There are still no known survivors of the crash and rescue teams have begun searching-"

...So here we are, Fox has somehow managed to survive that horrific crash. I'm willing to believe that the reason why is because the author realize that this wasn't possible and that is why the last chapter ended as such. Just simple scene cut to him badly injured and in the hospital. No explanation at all to how he survived.

What a total cop-out.

Also:

"I'm confined to bed rest? In a hospital? I have a life outside of here and there's no reason for it to come to a halt because of a little thing like this!" Fox said waving around his cast.

Fox apparently doesn't realize that he's lucky to be alive, let alone consious and not in any pain at all!

Fox thought for a moment. There was always the option to stay in the hospital and let his arm heal… But staying here held the risk of the police finding and arresting him. Regardless, that would happen when they ran his records in the computer. If he went home, they may be waiting for him there, and then he pays a visit to an unwelcoming jail cell.

*whistles* Hey story, gonna tell us why Fox is on the run from the cops now?

No?

You're going to take us back to Krystal now? Fine...

So anyways, nothing to say on her end, and they still haven't told us what the original charges were, and even though it was a government weapons depot they blew up, it was an accident and as such, that can't be used as an excuse.

Anyways, she's questioned by a pair of 'undercover cops', which sounds like a load of bullshit because that isn't the job of an undercover cop. That's the job of a prosecuter. Then again, I'm giving this story too much credit as these folk vanish soon after and are never spoken of again. Normally I'd hyper-link that statement to the Big Lipped Alligator Moment article in TvTropes, but then I'd have to acknowledge all of said moments, and that's pretty much the entire story.

Anyways, they hear that Fox is in the hospital and they leave.

End Chapter 2. Litteraly.

Angry Ed ftw.

Yes.

Chapter 3: THE FIRST PHASE REVEALED AS A HERO IS BORN

Could this hero please save me from the idiocy of this story?

...No?

Well fuck you then Mr. Hero.

On with the confusion...

We open to someone trying to commit suicide. This individual is saved by another individual. The savoir waxes philisophical bullshit. Then we discover it's Slippy that was trying to commit suicide.

Umm...why? Hell if I know, just another unanswered question for the list.

DRAMATIC LIGHTNING FLASH

His savoir is Wolf.

Umm, why? Fox I can see Wolf saving because he swore it'd be him that killed him, and no one else. Also, what's this 'real man' bullshit? Slippy is not a real man. Really people. I am fairly certain that Wolf wouldn't give two shits about that clutzy toad.

Anyways, according to the story, Wolf is here for Fox's bounty.

...When did Fox get a bounty on his head and why is there a bounty on his head?

Oi...another question for the bunch. Take note that I didn't ask who put the bounty on his head, that is the only one that's answered.

Back to Krystal...

The police had set a $100,000 bounty on Fox, paid to whoever brought him in dead or alive.

I would like to know why they set a bounty on his head. Seriously, what the fuck people? This only serves as a way to keep Fox in hiding so that someone can go after his family when he's not there to protect them. It's a badly thought-out plot device that shows just how badly thought-out this story was when it was being written.

*CRASH*

...What's the matter, couldn't come up with a way to describe a crash noise, so you just used script format for that? Idiot...

she heard the sound from down the hallway and reached into her nightstand. Inside was her lucky blaster pistol, she had never missed a single shot with it in her hands. Her fingers wrapped around the smooth metal as she quietly pulled it out.

Oh hey, Krystal's going to kick some ass!

The shadow grabbed the knife and held her in mid-air, then squeezed down so hard that the diamond edged blade snapped into tiny fragments. "Oh, now I really wish you hadn't gone and done that, and you'll easily see why. This means that we have a way to draw your beloved husband out of hiding and into our grasps." He smiled and started laughing and leaning back.

Oh, wait, nevermind. She's completely helpless. God damnit...

Anyways, we finish off the chapter with her getting kidnapped (femenists and action-girl enthusiasts may now release a collective groan of annoyance and/or facepalm) and switching over to a capt-err, ship's log for Fox detailing that he's on the run and that there's wanted posters everywhere.

We still don't know why though...

End Chapter 3.

Also, where's this 'hero' that this chapter speaks off? Seeing as how it's mentioned that Wolf is here for Fox's bounty, I got 20:1 odds that he is our villian, and Fox is always an obvious hero, where's this new hero we were supposed to have?

While I'm thinking about it, get used to the StarFox team's ineptitude. They're constantly getting captured and beat up throughout the story. Our heroes ladies and gentlemen!

Deleted

The grammar and spelling are actually rather good, it's just that it's really confusing...

Chapter 4: ALL THE PIECES ALIGN

Yes, I'm still doing this. Let's get down to business.

So, we start off with Krystal waking up in a dark room, after looking around she comes across a note telling her to put on some clothes that were provi- *blinks*

The outfit was simple enough, but all the more degrading when she was finished changing. She was being forced to wear clothes similar to those she wore on her home planet before its destruction, only made of a stronger, flexible material. (But I'm sure you know the story behind that, so no need to go into detail. XD)

Krystal found a mirror on top of the chair that she had not seen before and took a closer look at herself. The 'loincloth' was barely half the length of her thighs, the top piece was about the same in every way, and both were a deep, red color with black outlines.

*stares*
*stares*
*stares*
*stares*

*wipes off nose* ANYWAYS...

She looked below the chair and found what she hoped was not intended for her; a pair of Electro-Lock handcuffs, a blindfold and gag, and some rope. Whoever had captured her had thought things out ahead of time, and finally their plan made sense to her.